1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president. (In this lifetime)...
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You dont have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking 'He must be mad at me'.
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work...more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71. You dont have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
90. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
91. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
92. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
93. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
94. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
95. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
96. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
97. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
98. Baywatch.
99. There's always a game on somewhere.

10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY...

Notice that there are only ten???

1. You have to take out the garbage.
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3. No sofas in your restrooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
7. Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
8. You have to wear ties.
9. You can't flirt you way out of a jam.
10. "Women and children first."

The New Courses For Men...

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule

MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under-things For Christmas

Winter Schedule

MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding The Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
EAT 100: Get A Life, Learn To Cook
ECON 001A: What's Hers Is Hers

Spring Schedule

MEN 120: How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons To Give Flowers
ECON 001B: What's Yours Is Half Hers (Prerequisite: ECON 001A)

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule

SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201: How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202: How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
ELECTIVE: (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest-You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise-Especially Naked
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

MEN 220: Omitting *&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives

EAT 101: Cooking With Quiche
EAT 102: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping And Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mother-in-Law
MEN 232: Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say "Yes Dear"
ECON 001C: Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

Things Guys Can Say...

• It's not the size of the boat its the motion of the ocean.
• Do you believe in love at first sight or do you need me to walk by again?
• Love's a sensation caused by temptation, a guy sticks his location in a girls destanation, to increase the population, of the next generation, do you understand my explanation? Or do you need a demonstration?
• Don't drink and Drive, you might go over a bump and spill your beer.
• God gave me brains and a penis and only a lil bit of blood, so I can only work one at a time.
• If guys got a period, they would brag about the size of their tampons.
• Roses are red, Apples are sour, open your legs, I'll show you some power!

Good God, ain't THIS the truth . . .

Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave the house?

Of these same men 90% will kiss their house good-bye when their wife leaves.