Star Trek

58 Reasons Why Captain Janeway Is Better Than Captain Picard

58. To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get to Risa.

57. Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish... and she took it on the chin with real bravado when she recently got a "Dear John" letter.

56. Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.

55. Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.

54. Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to blend in with a primitive planet.

53. Has kids and they're cute little things.

52. She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.

51. Janeway's First Officer has a kick-ass tattoo.

50. The only child on Voyager is a cute little thing with horns.

49. To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song... in French... about a monk... who can't wake up for morning bells.

48. Will give you two days off to ponder your life-shattering experience.

47. Isn't French with an English accent.

46. Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.

45. Looks better in sleepwear.

44. Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.

43. Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.

42. Can speak "technobabble" with the best of them.

41. Keeps her First Officer properly in the dark.

40. Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.

39. Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.

38. More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.

37. Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."

36. Can maintain an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.

35. Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.

34. Q asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused. Q asked Picard's girlfriend to run away with him and she accepted.

33. None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.

32. Her Security Officer would never drink prune juice.

31. Her Security Officer draws his phaser at the first hint of trouble. Picard's Security Officer gets beat up by half the aliens that come aboard.

30. Her first officer has a halucinogenic device.

29. Her CONN officer can use contractions.

28. Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.

27. Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.

26. At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time she wants something to drink.

25. Neelix. Replicator. (Ok, this one's debatable.)

24. Has a more manly voice.

23. Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.

22. The highest field commision Picard ever gave out was "Acting Ensign."

21. Doesn't need her first officer's permission to blow up her ship.

20. Her telepath only lives nine years.

19. Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).

18. Janeway's holo-characters fall in love with her. Picard's holo-characters want to kill him.

17. Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniouses who take over the ship.

16. Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasle her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.

15. Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.

14. She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.

13. Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.

12. When Janeway lands her ship, it can take off again.

11. Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.

10. She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.

9. Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: ½ .

8. Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.

7. 45,000 light-years is one thing. Every point in the universe instantaneously? That's excessive!

6. Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.

5. Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force."

4. Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.

3. 40 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.

2. 40 episodes without surrendering the ship.

1. Hostile aliens surrounding her, half the crew are spies, the nearest help is 75 years away, and she's still kept the ship together.

Top Ten Ways to Save Voyager...

10. Replace Tom Paris and Harry Kim with two new regular crew members: Ensign Itchy and Lieutenant Scratchy.

9. Change Janeway's title from "Captain" to "Warrior Princess."

8. To replace Kes, B'elanna creates a new holodoctor to be played by George Clooney.

7. Cut the special effects budget and resolve conflicts, not with costly space battles, but with a game of Twister.

6. Add a holo-novel in which two FBI agents solve supernatural crimes: one of them a good looking believer and the other a sexy skeptic. And have the crew run this holo-novel every week.

5. Change the name of the ship from the Voyager to The Mystery Machine.

4. Let Robert Picardo play every character (a la Patrick Stewart's A Christmas Carol.)

3. Bring Heather Locklear on the show as Janeway's bitchy boss who creates a love triangle with Chakotay, buys the Voyager and makes life a living hell for everyone until the next season when she gets cancer, undergoes a radical character change, and the ratings plummet again at which point you give her a multiple personality disorder, marry her to the Doctor, have her blow up the Voyager only to then come out as a lesbian.

2. Have Janeway come out as a lesbian.

1. Have Chakotay come out as a lesbian.

And now, for some more Trek...

Top Five Complaints Jadzia Dax had About Lt. Cmdr. Worf

5. Whenever they're "in the mood," she always slices her hand on the bat'leth he keeps under his pillow.

4. Three words: deodorant while exercising.

3. She always has to break one of his legs for him to be happy in that Klingon sort of way.

2. She accidentally transmits the cute little "phrases" Worf whispers in her ear at incoming freighters whenever he bothers her at her station.

1. She takes heat from Quark whenever Worf hits him because "the prune juice was improperly prepared."

Borg 1 Liners... (Or: 1 Liners about the Borg)

Borg to be wild.

Welcome to Borg-er King. We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant.