Smiles: Part II

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

Turtles are helping science. The heart of a Turtle was transplanted into the body of a 34 year old man. One week later he left the hospital and three weeks later he reached his car.

The Israelis could have had the Suez Canal when they had that war with Egypt. They could have had it, but they didn't want it. They responded by saying "There's no Boardwalk! So what the hell are we going to do with it?!"

I used to hang out with a really tough gang in elementary school. We'd play hop scotch with real scotch.

A corn belt holds up the Green Giant's pants.

Someone asked if I smoked after sex, and I said "I don't know, I never looked."

Did you hear about the Doe who came out of the forest mumbling, "I'm not doing that again for two bucks."

Why did the chicken cross Hollywood Boulevard? To see Gregory Peck.

The new cereal for white supremacists is called Special KKK.

I don't know why everyone is against capital punishment, I think everyone in the capital should be punished.

Freezing is for the week.

Did you hear about the farm boy from Hamilton who tried to hitchhike from White Rock to Vancouver? Do you know how long it took him? 1 ½ weeks! Apparently he used the wrong finger.

Did you know that in the US Government, they call the department that handles everything that has to do with the outdoors "The Department of the Interior." Hey BUSTER! I'm an Iron Lady too!

One skunk said to the other "Well so do you!"

The best way to stay young is to lie about your age.

Well I want to tell you that I started my spring cleaning this weekend. I started by picking up the tinsel and needles from underneath my Christmas Tree.

The neighbour kid wanted me to help him with his math homework, and I said, "Well, that just wouldn't be right." The kid answers "I know, but at least it would look like I tried."

My Grandma used to tell my sister, give a man a fish, and you can get rid of him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can get rid of him for a weekend.

This is what you get when you cross Tom Selleck with Tammy Fae Baker: Magnum P. Eyeliner.

The best way to loose friends is to always win arguments.

Not everyone repeats gossip. Some people start it.

Just when we think the only free thing left is the air we breathe, the government levies a new tax to clean it up.

One picture is worth 1,000 words, but most politicians still perfer the 1,000 words.

It's no disgrace to be poor, but it's not something you want to brag about either.

A man is known by the company he thinks nobody knows he keeps.

Just because people always agree with you doesn't mean you're brilliant - maybe you're just the boss.

Some people like to curl up with a good book, but most use hair rollers.

When somebody yawns, it's nature's way of telling you to shut up.

When somebody tells you he won't be a minute, he's probably telling the truth.

Best ways to make your car run better: check the price of new ones.

Is tailgating allowed on the information superhighway?

Do you feel everyone is ready to zoom along the information superhighway, and you're stuck on a tricycle?

Teaching may not pay much, but at least it's a job with class.

Some students want to go down in history, and others go down in all their subjects.

A politician's idea of waste is money spent in another politician's constituency.

You know your getting old when the only time you can bear to look in the mirror is when it's all fogged up.

Name the fanciest southern Caifornia marina: Beverly Hulls.

These days the brotherhood of man has too few brothers and too many hoods.

Around the turn of the century, people were amazed when someone drove 20 miles an hour. They still are.

If you want to put your best foot forward, make sure you have a clean sock in it.

Watch repairman: someonone who has time on his hands.

Business cycle: when you keep going around in circles because people are giving you the business.

Some folks don't get interested in anything unless it's none of their business.

Neopotism: when you can't fire the manager because he's your brother-in-law, and you can't complain to the boss because he's your father-in-law.

I predict that there will be another election, somewhere, sometime. But I can't tell you who will win.

I predict that today will last as long as the night.

I predict that I will predict again - only just not right now.

A customer calls his waiter over to his table and says "Their's a splinter in my cottage cheese!"

NEWS FLASH: Energizer Bunny just arrested and charged with battery!

One of the best reasons to travel is to make you appreciate the comforts of home.

Some people are as honest as the day is long - during the winter in Inuvik.

Show me a couple with high dental and manicure bills and I'll show you a couple who fight tooth and nail.

Behind every successful person stands a bunch of amazed co-workers.

Intuition: That little voice telling you you're right despite the truth.

Why worry about tomorrow? By the time it comes, it'll be today.

Always put off until tomorrow what you are sure to mess up today.

Hospitality: making your guests feel at home when you wish that's where they'd go.

One reason experience is such a good teacher is that it doesn't allow any dropouts.

Being over the hill is a lot better than being under it.

We may all be in the same boat, but some have luxury cabins and some are stowed away in the hold.

If people didn't break the 10 commandments there wouldn't be any daytime talk shows.

Most people's financial problems are quite simple- they don't have enough money.

Most people remember their first date- but how many remember their first prune?

Style is mainly a matter of taste- whether you have any or not.

What you get with a 90-year-old millionaire: a lot of grey heirs.

Some people are retired when they just ought to be retreaded.

The best way to look young is to hang around with old people.

Money may be the root of all evil, but most of us will never have enough to worry about going bad.

Some movies are so gross they should be rated by the sanitation department.

Obituary writers always get the last word.

A mind is like a parachute, it functions best when open.

Life is a growth experience, but most of us are growing in girth only.

Dieting curse: taking a weight and sea attitude.

Some folks have a lot on their mind- a vacant lot.

What happens to people who cannot commute between England and France under the Channel: carpool tunnel syndrome.

Never join any club where the initiation involves either barnyard noises or wearing funny outfits.

Most people's nest eggs are a real yoke.

Wrecking crew college: the school of hard knocks.

School is the place where kids get all the answers to questions they're not particularly interested in.

Everyone should have goals in life, especially if you're a hockey player.

No truth about Xerox taking over Yamaha and making reproductive organs.

The difference between talk and oil is that talk is still cheap.

The priest who was asked to perform at the nudist wedding replied "No shoes, no shirt, no service."

Wouldn't you just love to have a pure milk chocolate centre?

Stop and go traffic should really be go and stop traffic - because you can't stop until you've gone.

GOING AT 60 mph AND THROWING IT REAL FAST AND HARD INTO PARK!

"We're all out of peanut butter!" That's the last thing a starfleet captain wants to hear after putting 22 million light years between them and earth at warp speed.

Stupid people. No forces inside the base.

One butterfly goes to the other and says "I never metamorphosis I didn't like."

The difference between God and a Cowboy is that God doesn't go ‘round thinking he's a Cowboy.

What wears boots, carries two guns, and lives under water? Billy the Squid.

The silver lining of mass layoffs is that there is plenty of great parking space.

Did you ever notice how geologists are always finding faults?

The lawyer who stayed up all night was trying to break her will.

Onions with bean plants: it tastes good, but it gives you tear gas.

My brother's son is really weird, he makes friends too easily. Out of play dough.

My brother got a job at a photo finishing plant, apparently they liked his negative attitude.

My brother was suing this guy for calling him clumsy. But he dropped the charges.

My brother got a new job yesterday. Throwing Fish to the Pelicans.

Have you ever had HM on your strawberries? Hmm? Well, go ahead. But I like mine with cream and a little sugar.

I've been eating those new radio dinners lately. They're better than TV dinners, but they're not much to look at.

Did you hear about the psychologist who started a rock music group? They called themselves the "New Kids on the Mental Block."

Noah's wife said, "I know the rules, but I would feel a whole lot better if you kept those termites in a jar!"

Paint the sun rose, and the wind blue.

Useless Run of the Mill Crap.

This guy watered his garden with beer and got stewed tomatoes.

What do you call those little grey things, that screw in the wall? You know, those little grey things, what are they called? Oh yeah, I remember... mice.

Have you seen the latest writing on the wall of the men's room? It said, and I quote "I'm screwing up so much, people are starting to confuse me with the boss."

Mr.T never says his first name because it's Lipton.

Jeopardy: The answer is: Pavlov, Quazimoto and Getivioctovich. The Question is: Do any of these names ring a bell? (Also acceptable is: Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen before today?)

There is just no living with my mother these days! You see, she joined this woman's rights group, and now every day at around 6:00 pm, she rings a bell and says "Come and cook it!"

Here's to those who wish us well! Those who don't can go to hell!

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

What is the essence of being human? Not understanding the opposite sex.

Some sad news, the man who helped develop cable tv has died. I understand the funerals tomorrow, but will be repeated all month.

Follow your dream unless it's the one where you'lre at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

There's an old story about the person who wished his computer was as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true since I no longer know how to use my telephone.