Smiles!

SMILES!

Teaching may not pay much, but at least it's a job with class.

Some students want to go down in history, and others go down in all their subjects.

A politician's idea of waste is money spent in another politician's constituency.

You know your getting old when the only time you can bear to look in the mirror is when it's all fogged up.

Name the fanciest southern California marina: Beverly Hulls.

These days the brotherhood of man has too few brothers and too many hoods.

If you want to put your best foot forward, make sure you have a clean sock on it.

Watch repairman: someone who has time on his hands.

One picture is worth 1 000 words, but most politicians still perfer the 1 000 words.

It's no disgrace to be poor, but it's not something you want to brag about either.

A man is known by the company nobody knows he keeps.

Just because people always agree with you dosn't mean you're brilliant- maybee your just the boss.

When somebody yawns, it's nature's way of telling you to shut up.

When somebody tells you he won't be a minute, he's probably telling the truth.

Best way to make your car run better: check the price of new ones.

Around the turn of the century, people were amazed when someone drove 20 miles per hour. They still are.

Business cycle: when you keep going round in circles because people are giving you the business.

Some folks don't get interested in anything unless it's none of their business.

Neopotism: When you can't fire the manager because he's your brother-in-law, and you can't complain to the boss cause he's your father-in-law.

One of the best reasons to travel is to make you apreciate the comforts of home.

Some people are as honest as the day is long- during the winter in Inuvik.

Show me a couple with high dental and manicure bills and I'll show you a couple who fight tooth and nail.

Behind every successful person stands a bunch of amazed co-workers.

Intuition: That little voice telling you you're right despite the truth.

Why worry about tomorrow? By the time it comes, it'll be today.

Always put off until tomorrow what you are sure to mess up beyond repair today.

Hospitality: making your guests feel at home when you wish that's where they'd go.

One reason experience is such a good teacher is that it doesn't allow any dropouts.

Being over the hill is a lot better than being under it.

We may all be in the same boat, but some have luxury cabins and some are stowed away in the hold.

If people didn't break the 10 commandments there wouldn't be any daytime talk shows.

Most people's financial problems are quite simple- they don't have enough money.

Most people remember their first date, but how many remeber their first prune?

Style is mainly a matter of taste- whether you have any or not.

Do you ever feel like life is a steak cook - out and you're a microwave snack?

Liquid assets: a bartender's inventory.

Some people's lives are an open book, others are an open cartoon.

Sign at a diet center: You'll walk out of here half the person you used to be.

Christmas is the greatest holiday of all. Why else would merchants start celebrating right after Halloween?

People who live in glass houses are in a lot of pane.

Isn't it time somebody told Barney the Dinosaur he's extinct?

Instant gratification easy for a swimmer - just add water.

High heel: a no-good-nik who drinks too much.

Why do we want computer programs to simulate reality when we don't want reality to be like reality?

When sad dogs don't wag: tail of woe.

Solitude: an out of buddy experience.

You wouldn't be over the hill if you hadn't used so much energy getting to the top.

Man-to-man talk: when boys will be boys.

The only way some people get on a roll is with training wheels.

Bald spot: in the middle of no hair.

The trouble with returning orbiting objects to Earth is that most people don't realize the gravity of the situation.

Most executives know the best way to implement a master plan is to have a master and the peons to carry it out.

Most folks, when their cup runneth over, just want a bigger cup.

It's not really a la carte unless you're ordering from a street vendor.

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

Some cowboys can shoot a gun and ride a bull, others can just shoot the bull.

Gross generalization: when generals talk dirty.

The best way to stay young is to lie about your age.

Some electricians exhibit shocking behaviour.

If you really want to save face, try plastic surgery.

The goal in life is to leave your imprint not your fingerprint.

Everything has a down side- just ask a goose.
You never get peace of mind from a piece of someone's mind.

Just when we think the only free thing left is the air we breathe, the government levies a new tax to clean it up.

Dentists' game: tooth or consequence.

Not everyone repeats gossip. Some people start it.

The best way to loose friends is to always win arguments.

The best way to stay young is to eat properly, sleep well and get $25,000 worth of plastic surgery.

There's nothing wrong against a little honest work, it just pay as well as the other kind.

Don't you hate it when you think you've seen the light only to find you've opened the fridge door?

Plenty of great parking spaces. The silver lining of mass layoffs.

They used to call it being tied to mom's apron strings - now they call it bonding.

When pressed, most people will do the right thing - mainly because they're afraid of getting caught.

The trouble with second childhood is that the toys are much more expensive.

If you want the world to beat a path to your door, build on a jogging trail.

Is tailgating allowed on the information superhighway?

It would be easier to believe money can't buy happiness if you heard a rich person say it.

These days the brotherhood of man has too few brothers and too many hoods.

Kids dream they can fly. Adults dream they can fly first class.

Name the fanciest Southern California marina: Beverly Hulls.

Style is mainly a matter of taste- whether you have any or not.

Do you feel everyone is zooming along the information superhighway, and you're stuck on a tricycle?

Around the turn of the century, people were amazed when someone drove 20 miles per hour. They still are.

Some folks don't get interested in anything unless it's none of their business.

When somebody tells you he won't be a minute, he's probably telling you the truth.

Best way to make your car run better: check the price of new ones.

Some people like to curl up with a good book, but most use hair rollers.

A man is known by the company he thinks nobody knows he keeps.

Just because people always agree with you doesn't mean you're brilliant - maybe you're just the boss.

News Flash: The Energizer Bunny was arrested yesterday and charged with battery.

When somebody yawns, it's nature's way of telling you to shut up.

Nepotism: When you can't fire the manager because he's your brother-in-law and you can't complain to the boss cause he's your father-in-law.

One of the best reasons to travel is to make you appreciate the comforts of home.

Beware of a job opportunity that offers a lot of travel, it may be a bicycle paper route.

Traditional inheritance: when the sums of the father are visited on the sun.

The reason Whistler's mother looks the way she does is because her son's whistling is driving her nuts.

Public service announcement: when your local government announces that a public service will cost more.

If life throws too many tomatoes at you, go into the ketchup business.

When people argue over canned meat: a tension Spam.

Life is one long exercise in deflecting the blame.

You know a man's getting old when a pretty girl goes past and he no longer sucks in his stomach.

It would be a lot easier to become self-sufficient if someone would help you.

The difference between what some politicians say and do: the crudability gap.

Show me a close - knit family, I'll show you people with wool pulled over their eyes.

We all want some movement in our lives, but not falling on our faces.

Freedom of the press: non-wrinkle clothes.

Divorce lawyer: someone who thinks it's better to have loved and won.

Nostalgia: the ability to recall the past fondly, despite the facts.

Remember, a lot of guys who look like princes end up being toads.

Eyes are the window of the soul - that's why they come in shades.

People aren't depressed any more; they're optimistically impaired.

We may all be in the same boat, but some have luxury cabins and some are stowed in the hold.

My brother got a job working at the photo finishing plant. They liked his negative attitude.

Fear of the dark: when you realize you've forgotten to pay your electricity bill.

Behind every successful person stands a bunch of amazed co-workers.

Tango: what happens to your skin the minute you get back from vacation.

Some people are the picture of health - the problem is it's a retouched photo.

Lots of young people are seeing older women these days- kindergarten teachers.

When you almost forget to pay your bills: a near dept experience.

Dental hygienist: employee of the mouth.

Male encounter group: groan men.

Why worry about tomorrow? By the time it comes, it'll be today.

When you wish upon a star, chances are his or her bodyguard will strong-arm you.

Whining: complaining through your nose.

Show me a couple with high dental and manicure bills and I'll show you a couple who fight tooth and nail.

Preoccupation: your employment state before you get a job.

If those psychic hotlines really worked, wouldn't they be calling you just before you called them?

Country hair salon: where they dye with their boots on.

You used to just get a busy signal and know you had to call back later. Now a voice comes on the line and tells you to call back later.

Face-saving device: hockey goalie's head-gear.

Not only is the government skating on thin ices, it's using billion- dollar skates.

In Hollywood, everybody wants to be discovered, but nobody wants to be found out.

Gossip: a heard mentality.

Wolf: someone who wants to play ball without providing the diamond.

If people didn't break the 10 commandments there wouldn't be any daytime talk shows.

Always put off until tomorrow what you are sure to mess up beyond repair today.

The best cure for insomnia is the realization that it's time to get up.

If you're fit as a fiddle why are you highly strung and sometimes whiny?

Dieting: when you adopt a fat-alistic out look.

Many politicians leave office because of illness and fatigue - people are sick and tired of them.

A political pundit is someone who draws your own conclusions.

When skydivers show off: one- downsmanship.

If you have grown children living at home who seen to lack direction, try giving them a road map.

Maybe kids would eat their vegetables if you stick them in a box with a toy inside.

Weatherman's motto: to air is humid.

There's a sucker born every minute, that's why there's so many varieties of lollipops.

One reason experience is such a good teacher is that it doesn't allow any dropouts.

Intuition: that little voice telling you you're right despite the truth.

Life's halfway point: muddle age.

If childhood is such a magical time, why is everyone always telling you to grow up?

Romance can be heartache before the wedding and heart-burn after.

If summer weekends are for rest and relaxation, how come they invented all that lawn-care equipment?

New bumper sticker with 2 inch writing on it that says: �Help! A bunch of paranoids are following me!"

There's no shame in being wrong - unless someone finds out about it.

Some people never lose their animal instincts - they behave like sloths.

My brother did really poor in high school. He always highlighted his notes with a black magic marker.

Lower life form: the guy in the apartment downstairs.

Joint insurance policy: elbow-knee medical protection.

Most people's financial problems are simple - they don't have enough money.

The problem with stopping to smell the roses is that you have to smell the fertilizer as well.

Hospitality: making your guests feel at home when you wish that's where they'd go.

Whoever said �Children should be seen and not heard' must have been a real fun parent.

Did you hear about the hospital dance where everyone showed up wearing the same gown?

There's nothing wrong with being a model spouse as long as you don't come unglued.

If possession is nine-tenths of the law, is there a market for exorcist / lawyers?

If you really want to see the light, take the shade off the lamp.

My brother's son is really weird. He makes friends easily - out of play doe.

Vulture's briefcase: carrion baggage.

There's nothing in the world you can do that the boss's son can't take credit for.

The buck stops wherever there's a lot of doe.

Animal jazz singers of the jungle: Elephants Gerald.

If money is the root of all evil, what about those pennies from heaven.

Animated discussion: the moment before the fight breaks out.

Middle age: when you've still got a fire in the oven, but not enough to cook your goose.

Heard about the sculptor who went a little crazy? He lost his marble.

We should be proud of Generation X. Nobody knew they could get that far through the alphabet.

Instead of taking a bath, most kids would just prefer to be dusted.

If anyone really had the sense they were born with they would have stayed in the crib.

What to do if your computer mouse won't work: Buy a digital cat.

Ever notice how geologists are always finding faults?

If the chicken wanted to cross our busy roads nowadays, it would have to take a cab.

We pass this way but once, so you might as well run up the balance on your credit cards.

Being over the hill is a lot better than being under it.

If God didn't mean man to fly, why did he create so many bird-brains?

What's the big deal bout crossing the English Channel? TV viewers cross hundreds of channels every day.

If you leave your worries on the doorstep, how is opportunity going to be able to get to the door to knock?

It's all right to carry her books home from school as long as they're not law books.

Everybody wants greener pastures, but nobody wants to mow them.

Protester: someone who gets paid for setting exams.

Moralists always let their conscience be your guide.

Last week, my brother sued someone for calling him clumsy, yesterday he dropped the charges.

Political stump speech: when listeners are stumped as to what the politician is trying to say.

Shake any family tree and your bound to get a few nuts.

Give them enough rope and they'll start to macrame.

Happy hour: when the kids finally fall asleep.

Most people remember their first date, but how many remember their first prune?

Candour: how to express yourself to your boss just before looking for another job.

Charm bracelet: the more diamonds on it the more charm it has.

When you're climbing the ladder of success, make sure there's not a diving board at the top.

Extrasensory perception: That's when you could use some extra sense just to have any perception at all.

Deja vu: the feeling you've had the same experience before, like balancing your checkbook.

Children aren't the only ones who should be seen and not heard; the same goes for mimes.

Hobby: something you enjoy but don't make money at, like sleeping.

If God had intended humans to be nomads, He wouldn't have created mortgages.

Two heads are better than one - especially if you run a circus sideshow.

Everyone wants to know the secret of life, but then it wouldn't be a secret anymore.

Stable parents: ones who bought their kid a pony.

Boys will be boys - and so will some men.

Getting back to standard time is strange. For one thing, this time last week it wasn't this time last week.

Harbour sailing is for the good old buoys.

Lawyers are people who build bridges between others - and then charge a toll.

Some people travel in life's fast lane; others just fill in the potholes.

Lousy sermons make for more bored-again Christians.

You know you're daughter has reached adolescence when she's all skin and phones.

If you want to put your best foot forward, make sure you have a clean sock on it.

How come every time someone cooks up a new scheme, someone else gets a raw deal?

The reason babies like soft foods is that they splatter against the wall better.

My brother is a really important part of our family tree - he's the sap.

My brother got a new job yesterday. Throwing fish to the pelicans.

Radio Dinners taste better than T.V. Dinners, but they are not much too look at.

I don't know why everyone is against capital punishment. I think everyone in the capital should be punished.

You should bear in mind that nudists are bare in mind.

Horse sense: having enough sense to stay away from the horses.

Neglected landfills: rubble without a cause.

Executive show and tell: when you show up for work and they tell you to get another job.

The lion shall lie down with the lamb - but they don't tell you that's because he's having a few friends over for dinner.

Life's experience teaches us there's a higher power: your employer.

The Golden Rule of Business: Do unto others before they do it unto you.

Some big businesses are part of the back-to-nature movement - they turn their backs on nature and continue to pollute.

A good executive always finds a creative solution to a problem - like blaming the guy who just quit.

Some people think the best way to pursue their dreams is to stay in bed.

There's no task so difficult that a little hard work and a lot of shifting the blame won't solve.

A wise man knows when to flee and a wise pet owner knows when to de-flea.

It's one thing to hold the key to life, it's another to know the safety deposit box of life is.

By the time we're ready to get back to nature, nature may not be able to get back to us.

If every cloud had a silver lining, the tax men would probably be there in a balloon.

If you really want to get in touch with your inner self, have an X ray.

Slang has become so prevalent that children should be taught a second language - English.

You're never too old to try, only too old to avoid looking foolish while doing it.

Middle age is that time in life when you realize a lot of what you've acquired has been wasted.

Febuary is just nature's way of making sure that we appreciate May.

You know your kids have reached adolescence when they decide its time they told you the facts of life.

You need a lot of drive to suceed, but you also need to use the brakes sometimes.

Anyone who thinks men don't show their emotions has never watched them at a football game.

Pressing engagement: when clothes need ironing.

Clothes make the man, but at today's prices they also break him.

Spanking: penalty in the end zone.

Judging by the express checkout line, a lot of people can't count to eight.

Some people march to a different drummer, others just nap to a different TV show.

"We intend to take action on American Salmon overfishing." ...And all America quakes in its missile silos.

Is tailgating allowed on the information superhighway?

Do you feel everyone is ready to zoom along the information superhighway, and you're stuck on a tricycle?