I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it.
Last year, in Los Angeles, a robber thretened a store owner with
a syringe that he claimed had HIV on it, saying "Give me the money
or I'll give you AIDS." You know what I would've told him? "If you
give me AIDS I'm gonna find your wife and daughter and fuck them."
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many
people who believe it.
What is the plural of "a hell of a guy"? "Hells of guys"?
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it
were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely
unconscious.
When you find existing time on a parking meter, you should be able
to add it to the end of your life. Minus the time you spent on
hold.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in
something called the Professional Building. I felt better right
away.
You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhre is
gettin' ready to hang himself.
Jesus was a cross-dresser.
I have no ax to grind, but I do have an ivory letter opener that
could use sharpening.
Feminists want to ban pornography on the grounds that it encourages
violence against women. The Japanese consume far more violent and
depraved pornography than we do, and yet there is almost no rape
reported there. A woman is twenty times more in danger of being
raped in the US than she is in Japan. Why? Because Japanese people
are decent, civilized and intelligent.
The only good thing to ever come out of religion was the music.
Do kings have sweat bands in their crowns?
There ought to be at least one round state.
A courtesy bus driver once told me to go fuck myself.
In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first.
For a long time it was allright for a woman to keep a diary, but
it sounded too fruity for men. So they changed it to journal. Now sensitive men can set down their thoughts without appearing too sensitive.
I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some
things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less
said about it the better.
Sometimes the label on the can says "fancy peas." Then, you get
‘em home and they're really rather ordinary. Nothing fancy about
‘em, at all. Maybe if they had little bullfight paintings on them,
they would be fancy. But as it is...
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eventually, nature will produce a species that can play the piano
better than we can.
I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try.
Piano lessons sound like something a piano should take. Humans
should take piano-playing lessons.
Did you hear about the man who left in a huff and returned in a
jiffy? Another day, he arrived in a tizzy and left in a snit.
His wife swept in in a fury and left in a daze, then left in a
dither and returned in a whirl.
"Get Down!" is a slang expression that would have been really
useful in World War II. If soldiers had known this expression
at the time, a lot of lives could have been saved.
Why can't there be more suffering?
There are no times that don't have moments like these.
Since 1983, more than thirty people have been killed in post
office shootings. You know why? Because the price of stamps keeps
changing. There's a lot of pressure. "How much are they now, Rob?
Twenty-nine? Thirty-two? I can't keep track! Fuck it!" BANG BANG
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!
On Opening Day, the President doesn't throw out the
first ball. He throws in. If he threw it out, it would
land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it.
Where does the dentist go when he leaves you alone.
I go to bed early. My favorite dream comes on at nine.
We're not satisfied with forcing Russia to destroy its nuclear
weapons and recant its ideology. Now we're really going to get
even: we're sending experts to show them how to run their economy.
Am I missing something? A country with a five-trillion-dollar
debt is giving advice on handling money?
"Best seller" really only means "good seller." There can only be
one best seller. All the rest are good sellers. Each succeeding
book on the list is a "better seller."
The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot
it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned
something very wise that I can't quite remember.
Just what exactly is the "old dipsy doodle"?
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious
person.
Sties are caused by watching your dog shit.
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great,
I'd like to see some of the things he's done."
We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.
Eventually there will come a time when everyone is in a band.
Weyerhauser, a company that makes its money by cutting down trees, calls itself "The
tree-growing company."
If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
How likely is it that all people who are described as missing are living together in a small town
somewhere?
If lobsters looked like puppies, people could never drop them in boiling water while they're still
alive. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so it's OK. Restaurants that allow
patrons to select live lobsters from a tank should be made to paint names on their shells:
"Happy," "Baby Doll," "Junior." I defy anyone to drop a living thing called "Happy" in rapidly
boiling water.
The nicest thing about anything is not knowing what it is.
I feel sorry for homeless gay people; they have no closet to come out of. In fact, I imagine if
you were gay and homeless, you'd probably be glad just to have a closet.
I've adopted a new lifestile that doesn't require my presence. In fact, if I don't want to, I don't
have to get out of bed at all, and I still get credit for a full day.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
I can't bear to go to the children's zoo. I always wonder how their parents can allow them to
be kept in those little cages.
If you take the corn off the cob, not only do you have corn-off- the-cob, you also have
cobs-out-from-inside-the-corn.
Why do foreign soldiers march funny? Do they think we march funny? If we do, how would
we know?
If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?
"On the fritz" is a useful expression only if you're talking about a home appliance. You wouldn't
say, "The Space Shuttle is on the fritz." You'd never hear it in a hospital. "Doctor, the
heart-lung machine is on the fritz."
Rarely does a loose woman have a tight pussy.
Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half- full. I see the glass as too big.
My uncle thought he would clean up in dirt farming, but prices fell, and he took a real bath.
Eventually, he washed his hands of the whole thing.
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
Test of metal: Will of iron, nerves of steel, heart of gold, balls of brass.
White people fucked up the blues.
If you love someone, set them free; if they come home, set them on fire.
I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
Whenever I see a large crowd, I always wonder what was the most disgusting thing any one of
them ever did.
I think they ought to let guys like Jeffrey Dahmer off with a warning. They do it with speeding
tickets. Sometimes all a guy needs is a good talking to. Why don't they say, "Listen, Jeff.
Knock it off! Nobody thinks you're funny. Eat one more guy and we're comin' after ya!"
Hey kids! It's mostly bullshit and garbage, and noen of the stuff they tell you is true. And when
your dumb-ass father says he wants you to amount to something, he means make a lot of
money. How do you think the word amount got in there?
Those nicotine patches seem to work pretty well, but I understand it's kind of hard to keep
‘em lit.
I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it.
Last year, in Los Angeles, a robber thretened a store owner with a syringe that he claimed had HIV on it, saying "Give me the money or I'll give you AIDS." You know what I would've told him? "If you give me AIDS I'm gonna find your wife and daughter and fuck them."
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
What is the plural of "a hell of a guy"? "Hells of guys"?
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
When you find existing time on a parking meter, you should be able to add it to the end of your life. Minus the time you spent on hold.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhre is gettin' ready to hang himself.
Jesus was a cross-dresser.
I have no ax to grind, but I do have an ivory letter opener that could use sharpening.
Feminists want to ban pornography on the grounds that it encourages violence against women. The Japanese consume far more violent and depraved pornography than we do, and yet there is almost no rape reported there. A woman is twenty times more in danger of being raped in the US than she is in Japan. Why? Because Japanese people are decent, civilized and intelligent.
The only good thing to ever come out of religion was the music.
Do kings have sweat bands in their crowns?
There ought to be at least one round state.
A courtesy bus driver once told me to go fuck myself.
In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first.
For a long time it was allright for a woman to keep a diary, but it sounded too fruity for men. So they changed it to journal. Now sensitive men can set down their thoughts without appearing too sensitive.
I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
Sometimes the label on the can says "fancy peas." Then, you get ‘em home and they're really rather ordinary. Nothing fancy about ‘em, at all. Maybe if they had little bullfight paintings on them, they would be fancy. But as it is...
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eventually, nature will produce a species that can play the piano better than we can.
I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try.
Piano lessons sound like something a piano should take. Humans should take piano-playing lessons.
Did you hear about the man who left in a huff and returned in a jiffy? Another day, he arrived in a tizzy and left in a snit. His wife swept in in a fury and left in a daze, then left in a dither and returned in a whirl.
"Get Down!" is a slang expression that would have been really useful in World War II. If soldiers had known this expression at the time, a lot of lives could have been saved.
Why can't there be more suffering?
There are no times that don't have moments like these.
Since 1983, more than thirty people have been killed in post office shootings. You know why? Because the price of stamps keeps changing. There's a lot of pressure. "How much are they now, Rob? Twenty-nine? Thirty-two? I can't keep track! Fuck it!" BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!
On Opening Day, the President doesn't throw out the first ball. He throws in. If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it.
Where does the dentist go when he leaves you alone.
I go to bed early. My favorite dream comes on at nine.
We're not satisfied with forcing Russia to destroy its nuclear weapons and recant its ideology. Now we're really going to get even: we're sending experts to show them how to run their economy. Am I missing something? A country with a five-trillion-dollar debt is giving advice on handling money?
"Best seller" really only means "good seller." There can only be one best seller. All the rest are good sellers. Each succeeding book on the list is a "better seller."
steve lee now! is the personal website of Steven H. Lee, dedicated to revealing his interest and explorations in life, art, writing, movies, music, literature, photography, painting, tv, volunteering and much more!
Some of the ideas, jokes and writing on this site deal with mature themes and subject matters, and as such, reader discretion is advised.
