70. Bitch

69. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get pissed off when you are believed.

68. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

67. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

66. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, ie You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend if at all possible!"

65. Whine.

64. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

63. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.

62. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

61. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

60. Complain.

59. Hate any bar he likes.

58. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.

57. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life (also, see number 7).

56. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.
55. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

54. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.

53. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.

52. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

51. Keep him away from the Hash House Harriers, especially during Bike Week.

50. Do not say what you mean. Ever.

49. Be ambiguous. Always.

48. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.

47. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or weeks ago. Get mad when they don't remember.

46. Make them apologize for everything.

45. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

44. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.

43. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile.

42. Look them in the eye and start laughing.

41. Cry.

40. Get mad at them for everything.

39. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.

38. Hold grudges.

37. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.

36. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.

35. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."

34. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.

33. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.

32. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.

31. Cry.

30. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

29. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library... for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

28. Fall for your FAC.

27. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them.

Sing loud.

26. Correct their grammar.

25. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.

24. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

23. Leave out the good parts in stories.

22. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.

21. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

20. Cry.

19. Declare that you are not wacko.

18. Criticize the way they dress.
17. Criticize the music they listen to.

16. Criticize their hair.

15. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.

14. Try to change them.

13. Try to mold them.

12. Try to get them to dance.

11. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then claim ignorance when confronted.

10. When they screw up, never let them forget it.

9. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.

8. Blame everything on PMS.

7. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.

6. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"

5. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.

4. Read into everything.

3. Over-analyze everything.

2. Cry.

1. Make it your goal to make them cry.

10 Things you'll never hear a woman say....

10. I'll swallow it all... I love the taste.
9. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
8. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
7. Shouldn't you be down at the pub with your mates?
6. That was a great fart! Do another one!
5. I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
4. You're so sexy with a hangover.
3. I'd rather play Virtual Fighter than go shopping.
2. Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.
1. I'm wrong...

Things Women Can Say...

• Don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful, hate me cuz your boyfriend thinks I am.
• East to the sea, West to the land, Death to the Bitch who touches my man!
• If you need a nickel, I'll give you a dime, If you need a man, Bitch dont Fuck with mine!
• Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?!
• God created men first cuz you always need a rough draft before the masterpiece!
• God Loves stupid people, thats why he made so many men!
• Only good girls go to heaven, I wasn't invited!
• Sex is like pringles, Once you pop, you can't stop
• Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children!
• I Have P.M.S and a Gun, now what the hell were you saying?!?!

Notes On The "B" Word...

Remember that Bitch stands for "Being In Total Control of Herself"

This sorta says it all, so, here is....

The REAL Meaning of Bitch...

This seves as a good clarification of everyone. I'd hate for people to think they were ever insulting me because this term has been misused for too long.

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch. When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts, or do things in my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch entails raising my child to be strong; people who have a solid sense of personal and social responsibility, who are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in and who love and respect themselves for the beautiful beings they are.

Being a bitch means I am free to be the wonderful creature that I am, with all my own intricacies, contradictions, quirks and beauty. Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak up against it, I am defined as a bitch. The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. I am proud to be a bitch!

It means I have the courage and strenght to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I should be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want.

So try to stmp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed - and if that makes me a bitch - so be it.

I embrace the title and am proud to bear it!