Hallmark greeting cards that didn't make it...

• Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.
• How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?
• I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.
• I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
• Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...what the hell was I thinking?
• As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin them for me.
• If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.
• As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy...
• Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!
• Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
• Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.
• Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.
• Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
• When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
• I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...so here are his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
• We have been friends for a very long time - what say we call it quits?
• I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
• Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
• You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
• Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep.
• Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!! (available only in West Virginia)