Puns are basically plays on words (And, of course the master of all plays on words is George Carlin - none of this, however, was written or even touched by George Carlin. No these are much too dumb). Anyway, there are many different kinds of puns, and here are some of the most clever (aside from the ones by George Carlin, of course - and then again, I wouldn't call what he does punny, no more humourous...).

An example of a pun is the expression funny bone. The source of the feeling when you strike your arm comes from the humerus. In 1840, someone realized that it is pronounced the same way as humorous. So, the bone was dubbed the funny bone. This is a pun that is part of our everyday language.

Sign in a hair salon: Curl up and dye.

Music store window: Guitars for sale. Cheap. No strings attached.

On a diaper service truck: Rock a dry baby.

At a tire store: Time to re-tire.

"I'm a softball pitcher," said Bob underhandedly.
"I'm going to kill Dracula," said Bob painstakingly.
"Ships ahoy," said Bob fleetingly.

Old postal workers never die -- They just loose their ZIP.
Old reporters never die -- They just meet their deadlines.
Old mimes never die -- They're just not heard from again.
Old electricians never die -- They just loose their spark.

CIA agents aren't fired -- They are despised.
Judges aren't fired -- They are dishonored.
Magicians aren't fired -- They are dispelled.

Acrostic -- An angry insect.
Metronome -- A city elf.
Stucco -- What you get when you sit on gummo.
Khakis -- What you use to start your automobile in Boston.

Psychologist: A person that pulls habits out of rats.

One frog to another: Time's fun when your having flies.

Olympic officials: The souls that time men's tries.

Ecologists beleive that a bird in the bush is worth two in the hand.

Silly, silly, oh-so silly!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

(Sung) The hills are alive, and they're coming to get you!

Jesus said gluttony is a sin, would you like a doggy bag?

Define parallel lines: Two lines that never meet unless you bend one or both of them.

Correct this sentence: "It was me who broke the window." "It wasn't me who broke the window."

Two straight lines can not enclose a space unless they are crooked.

Name six animals from the arctic region: Three bears and three seals.

Wife - "Is it true that money talks?"
Husband - "That's what they say."
Wife - "Well, leave a little here to talk to me. I get so lonely."

Name four animals of the cat family: The father cat, the mother cat, and two kittens.

I bet you'd be pretty buzzed if someone stole your honey and nectar. (Hint: Necked her= Nectar)

French people keep bombs in their kitchens because they want to see their linoleum blown apart.

An atman is a description of the weather in Jamaica.
("It's atman!")

Ancient Civilizations: History

I once met a man who sold pyramids, but Egypt me.

Ancient Egypt was the land of denial.

What's a Grecian urn? About 2.50 an hour.

Wasn't it rich when King John came to power?

Famous saying in 1215: "The horsa comes before the carta."

Philosophy makes me very Confucius.

As peasants are having a revolution they yell, "Serf's up!"

It was very convene-ient when Parliament met for the first time.

The Roman Empire med an evil fate as it fell.

Quotes

"Darned socks."

"Do you want your quarter back?"

"Give me Libya or give me death!"

"Can I borrow your weenie whistle?"

"To be frank, I don't relish the thought.
That would leave me in a pickle."

Geography

- A sextant is where nymphomaniacs camp.

- Taigas are what they keep in the New York Zoo.

- The International Dateline is 1-800-PICK-ME-UP

- Juneau - Juneau what? But I’ll Alaska!