The news just announced that they were going to start new procedures that would have paved the way for brain transplants. The next step for the doctors & scientists were finding donors. They were assigned to this new procedural project we interviewed them. They said that they would be using female brains instead of male brains. When asked why they responded that female brains were simply more cheaper. When asked why they were cheaper the scientists response was that the brains were cheaper.

Later it was revealed that only male brains were used because they couldn't get any female donors.

Must have been in West Virginia....

Newswire Dixon, IL: Police arrested Jon Terrence McCarter, a 27 year old white male, resident of Dixon, IL, in the Sanderson Pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. McCarter will be charged with lewd and lacivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. McCarter went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged ‘need.' "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, McCarter apparently failed to notice the Dixon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (McCarter) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached McCarter. "I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, ‘A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?'" Taylor arrested him but said that the suspect accepted his predicament in good humor. "I have to give him credit... that was a quick comeback." Taylor said of the man's comment. Taylor summed up the event with one statement. "Seven years I've been patrolling this area; this was a first."

An Actual article from the LA Times...

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil" Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual "Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next.

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

"Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract."

Editor's Notes:

The Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story...

10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."

9. "So I peered into the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.)

8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt that said gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniacal, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...".

4. "First and Second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons?