19. "Where's Waldo" would be replaced by "Where's Elvis".

18. Direct link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page

17. Microsoft CEO: Billy Bob (aka "Bubba") Gates

16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator

15. "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..."

14. Four Words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

13. Hardware would be repaired by using parts from an old Trans Am.

12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"

11. The On-Line pointing hand would use a different finger.

10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul D-"

9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"

8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Sweet Home Alabama" followed by an introduction from Hank Williams (Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant.

7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunken redneck yelling "Freebird!" and "Roll Tide!"

6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95/98 & NT would be an outhouse.

5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos."

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git" instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel."

3. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a hefty bag and some duct tape

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get a timed emptying beer bottle

1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"

Windows 2000...

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

15. User Error: Replace user.

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

More Microsoft...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Microsoft vs. GM

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by responding, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And . . .

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.