MEMO
To: All Employees
From: Management
SUBJECT: Reverse Retirement Plan
As a result of the reduced budgets being allocated to federal
programs, we are obliged to further reduce our number of employees.
Under a new plan, older employees will be asked to take early
retirement thus permitting the retention of younger people, who
represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel (via retirement)
by fiscal year's end will come into effect immediately. This program
shall be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the Public Service. Provided these employees are RAPED,
they can request a review of their employment records before actual
retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW
(Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal
with senior management. This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy,
an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice; but may be SHAFTED as
many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee avails her / himself of the above option(s), s/he
will be entitled to receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel's Early Severance), or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance
Payment)... unless s/he already has AIDS (Additional Income from
Dependant or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit
plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer
be RAPED or SCREWED by the employing Department.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on
strength that the Department will continue its policy to ensure
personnel are well trained through our Special High Intensity
Training (SHIT) Program. The Department takes pride in the amount of
SHIT its employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT
than any other Department. If an employee feels s/he is not
receiving enough SHIT on the job, s/he is encouraged to see the
immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make
sure you receive all the SHIT you can tolerate.
- Management
Y2K MEMO
To: All Staff
From: Senior Management
Subject: New Software Announcement
We are currently building a data center that will contain a list of all the national departments
that are Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the MYASS (Millennia Year
Application Software System).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We
will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an
opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking
aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be
removed after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this
morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose
buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
of MYASS.
Just last week when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say
to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before. I volunteered to help her
through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless
and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after
using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but
I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the
future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as
you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS
grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a
manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSAH and
EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at
how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so
rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of
MYASS."
Therefore we truly hope this transformation goes smoothly for all national departments.
- Senior Management.
Memo
To: Staff
From: Administration
Subject: High Intensity Teaching Program
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught
through the new program entitled SHIT (Special High Intensity Teaching).
Our goal is to try and give our students more SHIT than any other
school in the district. If a student feels that they are not receiving
your fare share of SHIT in any of your courses, please let them know
that they can be immediately placed at the top of the SHIT list. It
shall then be seen that the student gets all the SHIT they can handle.
Students who don't know SHIT will be placed in DEEP SHIT (Departmental
Educational Evaluational Program for Special High Intensity Teaching).
Those who fail to take this DEEP SHIT seriously will have to go to an
EAT SHIT (Educational Attidude Training for Special High Intensity
Training) session. Since all teaching staff has been highly trained
in taking SHIT, staff do not have to do this SHIT anymore, as they
are all full of SHIT already.
Please note that if you are full of SHIT already, you may be interested
in a job teaching others. We can add your name to BULL SHIT (Basic
Understanding Lecture List for Special High Intensity Training).
Also, for those students who are intending to pursue a career in
management and consultancy, please refer them to the department of
MORE SHIT (Managerial Operational Research Education and Special High
Intensity Training). This course emphasizes how to manage MORE SHIT.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HOT SHIT
(Head of Teaching for Special High Inensity Training) Director.
- Administration
Memo
To: Management
From: The Workers
Subject: IMPORTANT: MOTIVATING THE WORKERS
Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters:
1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2. It's only unethical if you get caught.
3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
5. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
6. If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!)
7. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
8. We put the "k" in "kwality"
9. If something doesn't feel right, you're feeling the wrong thing.
10. Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity.
11. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
12. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
13. ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
14. We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
15. 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
16. Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
17. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
18. Plagiarism saves time.
19. If at first you don't succeed - try management.
20. At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
21. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
22. This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years.
23. Never quit until you have another job.
24. TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Thank you for your time and consideration in regards to these suggestions.
