(And stuff on relationships)

TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year, i have tried to to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times , which is an average of once every ten days. The following are the lists of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said u weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbor will hear us
9 times you said your mother will hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell that I was finished
and 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons why you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum at all
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching baseball, football etc on tv

Of the times we did get together, the reason why I laid was because you missed and screwed the sheets.

Also, I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Ha-Ha-Ha!!!

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships." - Jimmy Shubert

(On the difference between men and women) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open our own jars." - Jeff Green

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Rich Jeni

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" - Rich Jeni

The secret to a Happy Marriage...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said ‘That's once.' So we proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said ‘That's once.'"

Now, who is the Smarter Sex???

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. And it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but, amazingly, neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman! Wow - just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

And so the man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

"And look at this - here's another miracle!" The woman continues, "My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break - surely God wants us to drink this wine to celebrate our good fortune." She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head and chuckles in agreement. He opens the bottle and then drinks half of it and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. So the man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

And the woman replies, "No, no thanks. I think I'll just wait for the police."