Subject: Houses and Homes

Housework / Homework

Houseboy / Homeboy

Housebreaker / Homewrecker

Housekeeper / Homemaker

That thing you live in? Is it a house? Or is it a home? Developers sell homes, but people buy houses.

Most people don't mind if you put 'em in a house. But under no circumstances do they want you to put 'em in a home. Unless it's a happy home. A happy home is not the same as a happy house. A happy house is one that's just been cleaned and painted. You'd be happy too.

The madam Polly Alder once said, "A house is not a home." Of course, she meant a whorehouse is not a home. And it's not; no one would ever go to a whore home. Except a really old whore. That's where they go: The Old Whore's Home.

The New Zodiac

We need new zodiac signs. The old ones depict an obsolete world: the archer, the water bearer, and - talk about obsolete - the virgin. What we need are mordren zodiac signs that represent today's reality:

• The Serial Rapist
• The Lone Gunman
• The Suicide Bomber
• The Paranoid Schizophrenic
• The Transsexual Crackhead
• The Money Launderer
• The Disgruntled Postal Worker
• The Diseased Homeless Veteran
• The South American Drug Lord
• The Third-Generation Welfare Recipient
• The Human Immunodeficiency Virus and....
• The Personal Trainer

In case you're one of thsoe people who doesn't relate well to the real world, here's a nice, safe zodiac for you:

• The Soccer Mom
• The Sensitive Male
• The Special Needs Child
• The Role Model
• The Overachiever
• The Jogger
• The Little Leaguer
• The Recycler
• The Anchorperson
• The Codependent
• The Domino's Delivery Boy and....
• The Recovering Shopaholic

PAST TENSE TV

I have a cable channel that shows old TV shows, but it shows them in different tenses from the originals. I don't know how they do it. Here's a sample:

• Got Smart
• Father Knew Best
• It Was Left to Beaver
• Daddy Had Had Room Made for Him
• I Shall Have Been Loving Lucy
• Car 54, Where Were You?
• Had Gun, Would Have Travelled
• What Had My Line Been?
• I Have Had a Secret
• That Had Been the Week That Had Been

Hee-Hee-Hee

I never watch "Sesame Street"; I know most of that stuff.

The bigger they are, the worse they smell.

A meltdown sounds like fun. Like some kind of cheese sandwich.

Why don't they put child molesters in a fondling home?

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

I only respect horoscopes that are specific: "Today, Neil Perleman, wearing tight-fitting wool knickers, will kill you on the crosstown bus."

If it ain't broke, break it!

A tree: First you chop it down, then you chop it up.

Sometimes I can't recall my mental blocks, so I try not to think about it.

You know what type of cosmetic surgery you never hear about? Nose enlargement.

Opposite-Same-Opposite

Sometimes the same words mean opposite things. Sometimes the opposite is true. Shock absorbs are called shocks. Slow down and slow up are interchangeable. Bad taste is tasteless. Sports fans say "turf" when they mean artificial turf. Something invaluable is very valuable. I'll bet you could care less. Or maybe you couldn't care less. Same difference. By the way, is it "from here on in" or "from here on out"?