"Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says."

"Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers."

"Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted."

"Drunk gets nine months in violin case."

"Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents."

"Farmer Bill dies in house."

"Iraqi head seeks arms."

"Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?"

"Stud tires out."

"Prostitutes appeal to Pope."

"Panda mating fails, veterinarian takes over."

"Soviet virgin lands short of goal again."

"British left Waffles on Falkland Islands."

"Lung Cancer in women mushrooms."

"Eye Drops off shelf."

"Teacher strikes idle kids."

"Reagan winds on budget, but more lies ahead."

"Squad helps dog bite victim."

"Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66."

"Enraged cow injures farmer with ax."

"Plane too close to ground, crash probe told."

"Miners refuse to work after death."

"Juvenile court to try shooting defendant."

"Stolen painting found by tree."

"Two soviet ships collide, one dies."

"Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter."

"Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years."

"Never withhold Herpes infection from loved one."

"Drunken drivers paid $1,000 in '84."

"War dims hope for peace."

"If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last awhile."

"Cold wave linked to temperatures."

"Enfields couple slain; police suspect homicide."

"Red tape holds up new bridge."

"Deer kill 17,000."

"Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead."

"Man struck by lightning faces battery charge."

"New study of obesity looks for larger test group."

"Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft."

"Kids make nutritious snacks."

"Chef throws his heart into helping feed needy."

"Arson suspect is held in Massachusettes Fire."

"British union finds dwarfs in short supply."

"Ban on soliciting dead in Trotwood."

"Lansing residents can drop off trees."

"Local High School Dropouts cut in half."

"New vaccine may contain rabies."

"Man minus ear waives hearing."

"Deaf college opens doors to hearing."

"Man gets probation for violating probabtion."

"Man forced to cook spachetti at gunpoint."

"Rabbit: Back Legs can't move, but good pet."

"Trees can break wind."

"Cow was his co-pilot."

"Eating dirt still a hard habbit to break."

"Skiing season opens in Iran."

"Foreclosure Listings: Entire state of NJ available."

"Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate!"

"Screwdrivers were mad to tighten, loosen screws."

"Liquor sales dip blamed on less drinking."

"Dead Man Told: Get Back to Work!"

"Criminal groups inflitrating pot farms."

"Researchers call murder a threat to public health."

"Bush gets briefing on drought; says rain needed to end it."

"Living together linked to divorce."

"Boys cause as many pregnancies as girls."

"Some students walk, others ride to school."

"Tribal council to hold June meeting in June."

"Death ends fun."

"Toxic waste tour planned: Lansing: A citizens group began a tour of Michigan on Monday to visit some of the state's worst toxic waste sites."

Winter Escapes:
Vegas - air & hotel from $199
Cancun - air & hotel from $399
Mazatlan - air & hotel from $299
Orlando - air only from $179
Chicago - air & hotel from $199

"Police use tear gas, SWAT team, battering ram, stun gun to oust woman, 65."

" 'Shoot to stop' ordered for fights."

"Cockroach Slain, Husband Badly Hurt: Tel-Aviv: An Israeli housewife's fight with a stubbron cockroach put her husband in the hospital with burns, a broken pelvis and broken ribs, the Jerusalem Post newspaper reported yesterday."

"Slayings put end to marriage."

"Man admits killing violated probation."

"Animal unit seeks rabbit witnesses."

"City outlaws giving out phone nembers, addresses of police."

"Jail's $34 million price tage doesn't include cell doors."

"Design a safe nuclear power plant and win $500!"

"Condom Week starts with a cautious bang"

"Condom plant pulls out; was there a leakage?"

"Condom firm streches product line."

"California motorists carefully clean up condom spill."

"Cookies with condoms fail family taste test."

"Leave trousers behind for single's party fun."

"Lebanese cheff limits access to private parts."

"Scientists Note Progress in Herpes Battle; Ear Plugs Recommended."

"Man accused of excessively 'passing gas.' "

"Gas smell diverts flight, but it was just passenger's pants."

"Yellow snow studied to test nutrition."

"Toilet seat Firms Sit Down and Talk."

"Sheldon Fun Days includes nose picking contest."

"Candy consumers love the taste of Boogers."

"Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction."

"Pilot was wearing blinders."

"Engine falls off plane, lands safely at O'Hare."

"Council acts to ban airplanes on city streets."

"Pilot's injuries minor after crash."

"Death in the ring: Most boxers are not the same afterward."

"Prior to the game, Larry Smith was placed on the injured list for the third time this season due to a strained right thing."

"Crappie Derby set for March."

"Most players on injured reserve apparently are actually injured."

"Ski areas closed due to snow."

"Lack of water hurts ice fishing."

"The Good News Announcer: The End is Here!"

"St. Peter and Paul to show pornography film. St. Peter and Paul Parish will sponsor a showing."

"Wisconsin bill would permit blind to hunt deer."

"Man sues over mouse head in peanuts."

"Eating dirt still a hard habit to break."

"Woman not injured by cookie."

"International Scientific Group Elects Bimbo as its Chairman"

"Drought turns coyotes to waterelons."

"Pants Man to expand at the rear."

"Furniture Drive for Homeless Launched."

"Gerbil Selected Student Leader."

"FFA proposes name change to FFA."

"Dinosaur faces grand jury probe."

"Man shot, stabbed; death by natural causes ruled."

"Searchers find Big Ugly child."

"Family catches fire just in time, chief says."

"32 ignorant enough to serve on North jury."

"City Increasing Speed Limit to Slow Down Drivers."

"Infectious Diseases: You can try them FREE!"

"First Annual Animal Abuse Council Benefit Pig Roast."

"Ban on Nude Dancing On Governor's Desk."

"Organ recital fades after firm beginning."

"Building burns to the ground following safety inspection."

"Ohio man, 79, pronounced dead, but says he feels much better now."

"Tax return may be required after death."

"It's official: Dead people can't vote."

"Man's serious condition an improvement over death."

"Auditor says college enrolled dead people."

"Death row inmates no longer allowed day off after execution, official says."

"Death may ease tension."

"Woman Dead When Head Removed."

"Receiving a cremated relative in the mail can be a rude shock."

"Must sell: Health food store, due to failing health."

"Farmer looking for wife with tractor: If interested please send picture of tractor: PO BOX 211..."

"Lost Donald Duck Wallet - need for identification. Please call."

"Will swap white satin wedding gown (worn once) for 50 pounds fresh Gravy Train."

"Moving sale: Wheelchair, hospital bed, deluxe sliding chair stair glide, and a motorcycle."

"Babysitter: Looking for infant to babysit in my home. Excellent references."

"Young man, 20, wants job on stud farm w/rm., prefer to work for a lady."

"Need babysitter at my home, bring own lunch and dinner. Stay until I get home. 6:15am until whenever. No overtime pay."

"Needed: Plain Clothes Security. Must have shop lifting experience."

"Air Traffic Control: FAA accepting applications now. $24,000 - $62,000. No aviation experience necessary. All day exam preparation course."

"In the sewers, each day's job has new allure."

"Iran severs relations with Iran."

"Charcoal briquettes destroyed by fire."

"Kids are great meals! Packed in novelty cartons with surprise. All meals include beverage. Buy one - Get one FREE! (With this coupon good through 2/29/88)"

"9-Volt Smoke Alarm with Silencer."

"Registered Miniature American Eskimos. Females - $150, Males - $125. Ready to go."

"MUST SELL! 3 grave spaces in Laureland, very reasonable. Plus air-conditioner."

"Man shoots self in head, but doesn't know it."

"Psychopaths Unpredictable."

"Quarrelling disrupts violence conference."

"Wife sues over lost brain."

"Honesty tests for workers can't be trusted, report says."

"Dallas Woman, sucks up 16 lb Bowling Ball."

"It's Illegal to Sleep With Alligators."

"Arsonist elected fire department chief."

"LCISD dress code insists on clean-shaven kindergarteners."

"Dogs barred from Dog Museum."

"Man who killed roommate is looking for place to live."

"Dream date woman gets money back from charity."

"Blaze destroys 97 vehicles at cookout held by firemen."

"Man dies on golf course, but friends play through."

"Kids must be shot by Monday."

"Brooksville buys shredder to aid record keeping."

"Former biology teacher finds he's happier running a brothel."

"Smoking allowed in the city sewers."

"NEA discussing ban on spanking School officials."

"Unemployment not working, critics say."

"More than 33,000 vote for jail inmate."

"Absentee Votes Accepted in Person Only."

"Collapse may delay freeway demolition."

"Man disputes government's claim he is dead."

"Study: People can delay death for important occasions."

"Man told to get license so it can be suspended."

"Dr. Melinda Warner of Boston will be visiting her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Warner of Salem, N.H., for the holidays. She is a dropout from North Andover High."

"US created 6.8 million secrets in 1990."

"Secret math center to be located here."

"High-speed train could reach Valley within five years."

"Rains delay big umbrella show."

"Naked woman stops at gasoline station."

"Ada Kring, 67-year-old Orick resident, dies at age 94."

"Workshop scheduled on manure management."

"Waste Team Dominates Chili Fest: For the third year in a row, the Churchville Toxic Waste Team has won the Waynesboro chili contest."

"Hazardous Waste Breakfast: June 6"

"Film 'Pants of Glory' offered as tonight's co-op library fare."

"SPCA holds flea sale."

"Moses to speak at senior center."

"Don't use poison ivy to decorate."

"Water Houseplants When Soil Is Dry."

"Putting Mattress on Floor Prevents Fall From Bed."

"Suicide may hasten death."

"Sadness is No.1 Reason Men and Women Cry."

"GI Joe is a doll, court decides."

Appetities Poor Before Execution.

Pregnancy problems at Memorial school not caused by air.

"Farm forecasters predicting a good year, or possibly a bad year."

"Police called in to quell librarians."

"Man hospitalized; police say wife sat on his head."

"Clown offered microwave to man for killing his wife."

"Two charged in theft of laxatives."

"Robbers run away with victims' pants."

"Man charged with using police desk as bathroom."

"Deer breaks into shoe store, escapes down Moose Street."

"Postal worker who killed 4 said to have 'disliked people.' "

"Moody woman arrested in dismemberment of boyfriend."

"Blind man robs bank, can't find way out."

"Breast Implants Seized by Marshals."

"Police find TV, lock it in jail."

"Police car hits cow in line of duty."

"Cops Get Burglar to Drop His Pants, Then Pinch Him."

"Man in bra, black lace stirs police suspicion."

"Would-be cop arrives for police test in stolen car."

"Suspect in bank robbery was either man or woman."

"Man gets probation for violating probation."

"Cop on tractor nabs 43 speeders."

"Man fires shots from apartment: One shot waas fired inside the apartment about 11:30 pm; another shot was fired out the window about 12:30 am. The city's Quick Response Team followed about 1 am."

"Cablevision of 922 Walthman Street reported a yellow trailer was stolen sometime between April 17 and two years ago."

"Nasha Man Faces Life Sentence for Murder: He took the stand in his own defense, testifying he couldn't have killed Albada because at that time he was stabbing another man from Lowell."

"I want you to take my Mother into your home & take care of her."

"For sale: 55 gallon aquarium. Does not hold water. Need one that does."

"Attention Teenagers! Tired of being hassled by your stupid parents? Act now! Move Out! Get a Job! Pay your own bills while you still know everything!"

"Found: Female Doberman, 1 ½ years, florescent color. 2nd/Lewis."

"Electrolux Model G Reconditioned. Runs like new. $50.00. Won't last long. Call Dave."

"For Sale: One male, once female, part Chow-chow. Seven weeks old."

"Bella's Pizza Guarantees same day delivery."

"St. Joe needs new "image" after losing Dick."

"Outdoorsman caught in trap while urinating."

"Japan's leading condom maker stretching across Pacific."

"Three cases of condoms stolen from warehouse for 'recreation.' "

"Condom Sals: Commission Basis: We install, no charge."

"Condoms only work if used, study finds."

"October is proclaimed Breast Awareness Month."

"Sex may keep legislature in session."

"Virgin shortge beleaguers CAAC stewardess hunt."

"Outhouse tour offers local lore."

"Emergency rooms evacuated as man gives off lethal gas."

"Gas odor traced to passenger after emergency landing."

"Under a new Casa Grande city ordinance, residents are no longer premitted to throw used underwear in the trash. It must be taken to the office of the city manager for proper disposal."

"Sleepy woman shoots herself in face in case of 'mistaken identity.' "

"Police say mother shot son after he threw holiday ham."

"Man charged in shooting over haircut."

"Man shoots himself in sleep without awaking self, wife."

"Gun safety officer shoots self."

"Store clerk better after being shot."

"Man forced to cook spaghetti at gunpoint."

"If you need a divorce - why pay more!? Off-season special: $150 w/No Kids! $250 w/Kids. No extras if uncontested!"

"One million dollar bill - authentic, only $18.95!"

"The Vasectomy Clinic: Celebrates Fathers on this Special Day! "

"Before you leave for the winter - did you remember to: forward your mail; stop your paper; secure your home; prearange your funeral?"

"Hot Dogs! Only 39¢! Limit 1,000 per family."

"Studebakers: Open 7 days a week (including Monday & Tuesday)"

"Headstone / Monuments: $398! Comlete, including inscription, delivery and instalation at local cemetery. Order now for Christmas delivery!"

"In order to better serve you, we ask that you bus your own table. Thank you."

"To save severed foot, it's sewn to his arm."

"Severed ear to heal on man's thigh."

"Get your Complimentary Hernia Exam!"

"Teacher: Full time, Calvary Christian School, for potty training 2 year old class. Degree perferred, experience necessary."

"Mature infant to watch infant live in my home room and board plus salary, non-smoker, some light housekeeping."

"35 applicants line up for Lord's old job."

"Woman runs over herself with car."

"Man shoots self in head, but doesn't know it."

"Man ticketed for DWI on a lawnmower."

"Surrogate grandmother gives birth to twins."

"Man, shot twice in head, gets mad!"

"Sperm-donor project may boost chicken industry."

"Man says body is his wife, but she tells police it isn't."

"Once-sagging cloth diaper industry saved by full dumps."

"Postal Service seeking ways to deliver mail more slowly."

"Three ambulances take blast victim to hospital."

"Mayor says D.C. is safe except for murders."

"CRIME: Sheriff asks for 13.7% increase."

"Sex fund pledged for sheriff."

"Outlaw to announce 3 police promotions."

"High crime areas said to be safer."

"Slow driver arrested after 4-County Chase."

"No cause of death determined for beheading victim."

"Jury suspects fould play in Chapman death: The 27 year old apparently died as a result of a gunshot wound to the head. His body was then burned and buried in a shallow grave, the jury ruled."

"Terrorist bought bomb parts at K-Mart."

"Thieves steal burglar alarm."

"Court rules that being a jerk is not a crime."

"Robbery Suspect Mugged."

"Would be robber enters wrong door."

"$3 million thief not greedy: Judge"

"Wanted: A hangman who knows the ropes."

"Robber's description: Man, possibly a woman, definitely ugly."

"Son mistakes mom for bird, shoots her."

"Woman who ran over spouse gets 5-15 years."

"Man charged with allegedly sexually assaulting pit bull."

"Resort cabbie accused of punching 101-year-old-man; may lose license."

"Captain Pizza robbed last week; $1,100 and cheese taken."

"Man charged with theft after attacking pizza."

"Murder charge filed in Deadly Food Fight."

"Disembered victim not a pleasant fellow."

"Police recover stolen hamster, arrest 3."

"Dog that bit 2 people ordered to leave town."

"One legged man competent to stand trial."

"Neighbors Say Sniper Not Very Neighborly."

"Campus killer to remain in prison despite apology."

"Christ the King Aims for Revenge."

"Purgatory tickets to remain at $27."

"Sheriff and God Collide At Church Intersection."

"Christ to serve as presiding judge."

"Pope to be arraigned for allegedly burglarizing clinic."

"Londoner fatally injured by turnip."

"140 miles of sewers taped for television viewing."

"Freeze-dried dog furnishes the fireplace."

"Bland Music Competition Scheduled."

"Blind workers eye better wages."

"Uranium theme park proposed at OakRidge."

"Area man wins award for nuclear plant accident."

"Dentists favor breast-feeding."

"When it comes to student achievment how high is your high school?"

"Schooling free but no room for students."

"Overnight, second-day mail will be delivered a day later."

"Helicopter powered by human flies."

"Soviet "biological weapon" was really bee poop."

"Car haunts owner from grave."

"Plane makes an unscheduled crash."

"Surprise open house planned for Hillcocks"

"Three ambulances take blast victim to hospital."

"Nudist Group Donates Clothing for Victims."

"No Need to Kill Poor; They're Killing Themselves."

"Do neat stuff like drinking sewer lice, teachers urged."

"US says insect parts, rat hair are OK in food."

"Pet cooking contest coming to Highland."

"City wants Dead to pay for cleanup."

"Teacher dies, board accepts his resignation."

"Man reports wife's death - after game."

"Dead woman doesn't recall what happened."

"Mortuary adds drive-through."

"You can still bury grandpa out back."

"New Stupid Way to Die Discovered."

"Man 'mooned' train before being struck."

"2 Rich Tennesseans' Deaths Pump $9 Into State Coffers."

"Wife wanted for more than 50% off."

"Man stuck on toilet; stool suspected."

"Once-sagging cloth diaper industry saved by full dumps."

"Moorpark residents enjoy a communal dump."

"Oshkosh sued for injury over runaway outhouse."

"Market in urine samples expected to grow."

"Hermorrhoids inspire respectful hindsight."

"Circumcisions Cut Back."

"Blow to head is common cause of brain injury."

"Low pay reason for poverty, study says."

"Experts Are Sure the Dow Will Either Rise or Decline."

"Drain plug located."

"July 4, 1776, Was 'A Turning Point In History,' President Says."

"Don't leave kids alone with molester."

"Radioactive Dump Could Be Hazard."

"Studies indicate fat intake affects obesity."

"Storm delayed by bad weather."

"Married women can enter the Mrs. Arizona pageant."

"State to punish duck violators."

"Sex with weeds may be hurting plant genetics."

"Sperm-donor project may boost chicken industry."

"Bush orders Army troops to US Virgins."

"If US bases close, prostitutes would likely be out of work."

"Hooker quits Mason Position."

"Hooker leaves partners hanging."

"Horny man indicted on sex charge."

"If Voters Approve, Boys Town Will Buy Orphanage With Girls."

"Wanted: Women to Test New Condom."

"Free Seminar: How to Erase Bed Credit."

"Mimes banned for abusive language."

"State will poison rivers so it can count dead fish."

"Woman scolded for killing husband."

"Animal-rights group to hold meeting at steakhouse."

"Breastfeeding benefits father, too."

"Blind cabbie Forced to Abandon Driving."

"Post Office Paychecks Get Lost in Mail."

"Smaller Families require less food."

"Farmers buy most farmland."

"Ability to swim may save children from drowning."

"Sewers are not good playgrounds."

"Americans are unlikely to give up eating during recession."

"Jail crowding caused by increase in criminals, new study concludes."

"Panel hears specialist testify - women's breasts not like men's."

"Attorneys don't want ban on lawyer-client sex."

"Woman is pregnant, thanks to her sister."

"Nuclear winter may not be so bad."

"Blind Cabbie Forced To Abandon Driving."

"Bomb hit by library."

"Ten Commandments declared obsolete by "news king" Turner."

"Some men retain mental ability."

"Univ. Of Michigan Mulls Neutering Its Freshmen."

"Train towed after collision with ‘83 Buick."

"Sperm tax."

"Post office paychecks get lost in mail."

" 'Hole in face" sends man to hospital."

"Animal rights group to hold meeting at steakhouse."

"Solid Waste, Recycling to be Dinner Topic."

"Woman unsure how she sat on pork chop bone: Julia is more careful about where she sits after doctors looking for cancer found a pork chop bone in her derriere. Doctors removed the 4-inch bone last October from the left cheek on her buttocks and estimate the bone had been there between five and 10 years. They thought it was a tumor, and instead of finding a tumor they found a pork chop bone."

"Angry, jobless Santas picket mall after elf accused of lechery."

"Teen births in Brevard up 17 percent study says."

"Birth rate dropping among Brevard teens."

"Passenger trains hurt by lack of track."

"Customers didn't notice dead clerk."

"Gas chamber executions may be health hazard."

"Very good year for poor people."

"Missing turtle turns up after 13 years."

"Lead-Llined Coffins called health risk."

"Nude scene done tastefully in radio play."

"Iowa cemeteries are death traps."

"MGM bounces checks, but says finances OK."

"Dog was my co-pilot, driver says."

"Squashed squirrels annoy drivers."

"72 jump into bed for world record."

"Nothing destroyed in fire, but damage near $100,000."

"Reeding tutors needed."

"USPS Program Helps to 'Stamp Out Literacy.' "

"East Principal Bans Student Mural About Censorship."

"Study finds that pupils who attend their classes score markedly better."

"Iraq invades Kuwait; Students May Lose Parking."

"Cops halt doughnut shop robbery."

"Fingerprints help cops crack case of the busted piggy bank."

"Hostage taker kills self; police shoot each other."

"Deputy implicated in doughnut theft."

"Police kill youth in effort to stop his suicide attempt."

"Pants Bulge Provides No Basis for Search."

"Deputy shoots self in butt."

"Naked man trying to buy soda arrested for stealing car."

"Testicle cargo seized."

"Police kill 2 pit bulls trying to eat live cow."

"Eatery worker arrested after allegedly blowing nose in officer's burger."

"Theft suspect unable to take off with stolen pigeons in his pants."

"Toy gun scares robber using toy gun."

"Young bunglers try to steal a van filled with policemen."

"IRS says it killed four men."

"Woman sits on gun that shoots her."

"Man allegedly beaten by woman with a frozen fish."

"Con sends death notes to judges after learning to write in prison."

"Several Items Reported Stolen from Empty Store."

"Cat killed by pellet."

"Bucks man admits attacking house: must go to Florida."

"Soroity girls go up and down to benefit Heart Association."

"Penile implants raise hopes."

"Experts test 16,000 condoms."

"Concord sued over cameras in the potty."

"Condom instructions require college-level reading ability."

"Man trapped in outhouse overnight 'in ugly mood.' "

"Investigators crack down on toilet paper offenders."

"Doctors offer suicide guide."

"Foot doctor accused of sucking patient's toe."

"Dead Man Gets Job Back."

"Dead man still goes duck hunting with pal."

"Dead man found in cemetery."

"Tax collectors decide to leave dead man alone."

"Dead man remains dead."

In The News...

Now Back to our Regularly Scheduled Humor: President Clinton said he's taking comfort in being contacted by the clergy. "Actually, it was just Jimmy Swaggart. He wanted Monica Lewinsky's phone number." (Jerry Perisho)

Hypocrisy 101: Feminists are surprisingly quiet about Clinton's alleged sexual indiscretions. "A spokeswoman for NOW says they won't condemn the prez unless he does something really offensive, such as making a joke about a pubic hair on a can of Coke." (Ann Harrison)

Bimbogate: "Remember a couple of years ago, when Clinton was telling young people they should wait to have sex? Now we know what he wanted them to wait for: him." (Leno)

Dornan Warnin': A spokesman for ousted Congressman Bob Dornan said the Orange County Republican will file reelection papers soon, officially tossing his straitjacket back into the ring.

Three Ways To Tell If Your Brain is Shrinking: (1) You go to work and think you left your wallet at home and return home, only to find you left it at work yesterday. (2) You think maybe Geraldo does have a point. (3) You think the president and OJ may be innocent. (Bill Williams)

And Speaking of Mr. Simpson: A School bus driver in Virginia has been accused of threatening noisy students with a knife. "Nice to see OJ working again." (Jay Leno)

Birthday Boy: Michael Jackson's son is now 1 year old. "If you haven't gotten him a present yet, a gift certificate for a lifetime of therapy is a pretty good idea." (Leno)

"A TV watchdog group wants curbs on sex and violence in news. Networks think that's too provincial. If they did, kids would grow up not knowing who the president of the United States is." (Alan Ray)

The Best headlines of 1996 from the Wire Service...

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Plane too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

And Some More...

21 dead in a 21 gun salute.

Off duty policeman shot by on duty criminal.

Man with a power saw has been hit by a falling tree.

Police fired over the heads of rioters today, however they killed 201 people living on the 2nd floor.

A physician in Florida claims that he is treating a 107 year old woman who is pregnant. He claims that because of her advanced age she will have a grown up.

A man has barricaded himself inside his house today. However he is unarmed and no one is paying any attention to him.

A Milwaukee Man was arrested today for trying to mail a watermelon using food stamps.

The food & drug administration announced today that saliva causes stomach cancer. However only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

Here are the results of the latest gallop poll. It seems that 48% of the people were not home. 38% of the people make believed that they weren't home, and 20% of the people have no front doors.

Several people suffered from numerous gunshot wounds in the feet today as two midgets ran amuck in a downtown bar. A patron of the tavern reported that the trouble started when the two entered the bar riding horsey-back, and the one on the bottom began to get drunk. Damage to the baseboards and electrical outlets was also reported.

A dog exploded today on a busy downtown street corner, no one was killed, however, 20 people were overcome by fur. Police also estimate that some 1 - 200 fleas lost their lives in the blast.

A team of medical scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim that no one has shown the slightest bit of interest in their discovery.