Halloween

By popular demand, the following are a bunch of funny jokes and lists about Halloween. Also thrown in for good measure are some not so funny, but rather scary stories that fit the mood of this time of year...

Top 10 Halloween Things that Sound Dirty But Aren't

10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your jujubes and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

BOO!

Here are some bizaaaaar stories to get you into that "scary"/"Halloween" mood....

STORY 1

On a Sunday evening, a young woman drove herself to a meeting she had up north the next day when she noticed that she was running low on gas and didn't know where the next gas station was. Just as she thought she would have to pull over and sleep the night on the side of the road, along came across a rather dodgy-looking petrol station. When she pulled in, the attendant made his way around the car and seemed to be very distracted when she asked him to fill it up, she even thought that the man was making faces at her! He finally agreed to get the gas, but then asked her to pop open the hood of the car because there "seemed to be a problem." Naturally, the woman became a little anxious - she was all alone in a remote gas station, out in the middle of nowhere and it was obvious that the attendant was trying to find reasons to keep her there. He asked her to come look at the engine, because he had to "show her something". Not wanting to seem hysterical and paranoid, she did as he asked. As she rounded the front of the car he grabbed her arm and said that her car needed to be towed to the nearest town and she would have to come into the office to complete the paperwork. He then put his hand over her mouth and forced her into the office. She began to bite his hand once they were inside and he let her go. He explained to her that there was a man crouched down in the backseat of her car and the attendant didn't want him to know that he'd been seen. They called the police who came to arrest the man who, it was later discovered, was a known serial killer.

...ahhhhh!!!!

STORY 2

Two friends moved to New York, and because rent was so high, they shared a studio apartment. One of the girls was a real party girl and the other apparently a stay-at-home type. One Friday evening the party girl headed out for night on the town, and asked her flatmate to come along. The girl declined and said she was going to read and then go to bed early. The girl had been out at the local bar for a few hours when she remembered she had forgotton something. By this time, pretty plastered, she stumbled back to the appartment and quietly let herself in. Not wanting to wake her flatmate, she didn't turn the light on, picked up whatever it was she went back for and returned to the bar. When she got home the next morning (tart), she opened the door to this:- Her flatmate's head had been cut off and was lying on the floor. Scrawled in her blood on the walls were the words "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?"

STORY 3

A Spanish man doing some business in Poland came across an open funeral home with a casket laid out for viewing. "Bizarrely" (a new word I suppose?) he went in but found no one going about. He felt bad for the dead man lying there for everyone to see, said a prayer, and signed the registrar. A month later he got a call from the dead man's lawyer. Apparently, the deceased's will stipulated his multi- million dollar fortune be split evenly amongst all who attended his wake. The Spanish businessman was the only one who signed the book....$

STORY 4

Berlin - Just after WWII: A young woman made the following report to the police. She had met a blind man at a rally. She claims that they hit it off pretty well and the blind man asked her for a favor, could she possibly deliver the letter to the address on the envelope? As it was on her way home, she agreed. She started out to deliver the letter, but then turned around to ask the man a question. To her dismay, she spotted him hurrying through the crowd in the opposite direction - without his dark glasses or white cane. Sensing something seriously dodgy, she went straight to the police, who raided the address on the envelope, where they found heaps of human flesh for sale. What was in the envelope? A note which said "this is the last one I am sending you today."

Top Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sac.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.

Scary Story...

Not for the timid...

Once there was a beautiful young girl who lived in a small town just south of Farmersburg. Her parents had to go to town for a short while, so they left their daughter home alone, but protected by her dog, which was a very large collie. The parents told the girl to lock all the windows and doors after they had left. And at about 8:00pm the parents went to town. So doing what she was told the girl shut and locked every window and every door.

But there was one window in the basement that would not close completely. Trying as best as she could she finally got the window shut, but it would not lock. So she left the window, and went back upstairs. But just to make sure that no one could get in, she put the dead-bolt lock on the basement door. Then she sat down had some dinner and decided to go to sleep for the night. Settling down to sleep at about 12:00 she snuggled up with the dog and fell asleep. But at one point, she suddenly woke up. She turned and looked at the clock...it was 2:30. She snuggled down again wondering what had woken her.....when she heard a noise. It was a dripping sound. She thought that she had left the water running, and now it was dripping into the drain of her sink. So thinking it was no big deal she decided to go back to sleep. But she felt nervous so she reached her hand over the edge of her bed, and let the dog lick her hand for reassurance that he would protect her.

Again at about 3:45 she woke up hearing dripping. She was slightly angry now but went back to sleep anyway. Again she reached down and let the dog lick her hand. Then she fell back to sleep. At 6:52 the girl decided that she had had enough... she got up just in time to see her parents were pulling up to the house. "good" she thought "now somebody can fix the sink...cause I know I didn't leave it running." She walked to the bathroom and there was the collie dog, skinned and hung up on the curtain rod. The noise she heard was its blood dripping into a puddle on the floor. The girl screamed and ran to her bedroom to get a weapon, incase someone was still in the house.....and there on the floor, next to her bed she saw a small note, written in blood, saying, "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO MY BEAUTIFUL"

Pretty Scarry, huh?