Europe's Official Language...
The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro
for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.
Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k" Not only will this
klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words
like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that
the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and
they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v."
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl Zer vil
be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
Rewriting Language...
The following are some of the winners in a New York magazine
contest, in which the rules were: take any well-known phrase in
any foreign language; change just one single letter, and then
provide a definition for the new expression.
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
IDIOS AMIGOS
We're wild and crazy guys
COGITO, EGGO SUM
I think, therefore I am a waffle
RIGOR MORRIS
The cat is dead
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish
QUE SERA SERF
Life is fuedal
LE ROI EST MORT, JIVE LE ROI
The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM
Death styles of the rich and famous
VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I am a very important person, I conquered
PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown
HASTE CUISINE
Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE
I came, I saw, I partied
QUIP PRO QUO
A fast retort
ALOHA OY
Love, Greetings, Farewell, from such a pain you should never know
PORT-KOCHERE
Sacramental wine
FUI GENERIS
What's mine is mine
EX POST FUCTO
Lost in the mail
VISA LA FRANCE
Don't leave your chateau without it
CA VA SANS SIRT
And that's not gossip
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO
I'm "Bossy" around here.
