Written by: Jack Handey

(And hey, can somebody please tell me who the F@#k this Jack Handey guy really is? Where did he come from?!?)

• It takes a big man to cry, but takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

• Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle , because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?

• We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

• To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

• Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

• If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.

• I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying , another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

• If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.

• Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

• I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't go just by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

• If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

• Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

• Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

• I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

• If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because, man they're gone.

• I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

• Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at that word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words-"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why mankind is too.

• If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

• It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

• If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

• To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

• Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

• As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more that a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

• It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe.

• But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

• I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

• Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

• What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?

• And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

• Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

• During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner".

• If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

• When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

• Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon, people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

• Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

• If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

• If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

• If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

• Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

• Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

• For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

• I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

• If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

• Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"?

• I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

• Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

• I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

• I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because man, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

• I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

• If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen".

• The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

• When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

  I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because

• I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

• If you were a poor Aztec with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

• Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, really loudly, for no good reason.

• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

• If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

• Mom used to get offended when I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

• Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

• Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

• If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

• I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

• I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

• When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

• Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day, but give him a case of dynamite and soon the village will be showered with mud and seaweed and unidentifiable chunks of fish.

• I may not be fast, but I sure am slow.

• In the beginning, there was nothing. And then it exploded...

• Who is General Failure and why is he reading drive C?

• "The crows are calling my name", thought Caw.

Did you Ever Wonder?

• How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

• Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

• Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

• Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

• Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

• Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk?

• The light went out, but where to?

• Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

• Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?

• Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

• Why is the alphabet in that order?

• If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

• If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

• What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?

• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

• When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me.

• Do fish get cramps after eating?

• How come abbreviated is such a long word?

• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

• Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

• When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

• Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a-door?

• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

• How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

• Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?

• If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

• Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

• How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

• Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

• Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

• Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

• Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

• Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

• Disneyland is a people trap operated by a mouse.

• Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

• Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

• Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

• War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Things To Ponder...

• Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

• Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

• Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

• Isn't DisneyWorld a people trap operated by a mouse?

• Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

• Why is the alphabet in the particular order that it is?

• If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

• If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

• When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

• Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

• SOMEONE'S PERSONAL THOUGHT: Women are the magnets of the universe, and men are the scrap metal?

• Acupuncture. We know you can go to the acupuncturist if your complaint is pain. But - can you go to the acupuncturist if your complaint is that you have thousands of tiny needle holes all over your body? What would he do?

The Lessons That I've Learned...

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

• I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more messed up than you think.

• I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

• I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

• I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

• I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

• I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

• I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

• I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

• Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not ... tough shit.

SOME FINAL WORDS OF ADVICE

Don't examine your problems too much for you may become depressed and kill yourself. And that's not good.

Humans are sooooo strange. How will they ever survive into the 21st Century?

How are a chicken and a grape alike? They are both purple... except for the chicken!