Too Funny!

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.

In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor." She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr.Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease.... worse case I ever see, That why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease.... that when your face rook ZACHARY rike your ass"

The Three Chinese Tortures

A man had been lost and wandering in the Chinese wilderness for 3 months. All he had to eat was what he could forage and was forced to sleep wherever he could find meager shelter.

One day he came upon an old farm house. In answer to his knock, an old Chinese gentleman asked "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"I have been lost in the wilderness for 3 months and have not had a decent meal or nights sleep in just as long. May I stay the night?"

The old man agreed under the condition that there be no messing with his granddaughter. "I will cause you no trouble," the man said.

"That's very good," said the old man, "because if I catch you with my granddaughter, you will suffer the three most severe Chinese tortures."

The granddaughter attended the evening meal and the man was awestruck by her beauty. Since he had been alone for so long and she had not been with a man in her life, they could hardly keep their eyes off of each other during the meal.

Later that night the man crept into her room and they had a terrific time together. They were careful to be quiet lest they awaken the grandfather. Afterwards, the man returned to his room (on the third floor), and thought: "That marvelous experience was worth enduring a thousand tortures."

He then fell promptly asleep and had the best sleep in three months.

Upon awakening, he felt an incredible weight on his chest. He then realized that there was a 100 pound rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that read: "1st Chinese Torture - 100 Pound Rock On Chest." This is some lame torture thought the man as he carried it over to the window and threw it out. Then he noticed another sign on the bottom of the rock: "2nd Chinese torture - Right Testicle Tied To Rock." Knowing that it was too late to catch the rock, the man hurled himself out of the window after it. Passing through the window the man saw a third sign on the window ledge: "3rd Chinese Torture - Left Testicle Tied To Bedpost."

Funny shtuff

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked and very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked. "Well, yes" said the gentleman. We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?" "Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You know, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "I understand," said the young man. "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, "...On the road again..." The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

Bathroom Graffiti

Bathroom Graffiti Sonnet No. 1

Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Bathroom Graffiti Sonnet No. 2

Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper

Bathroom Graffiti Sonnet No. 3

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted

Bathroom Graffiti Sonnet No. 4

You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit in my pants!

Bathroom Graffiti Sonnet No. 5

I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

Bathroom Graffiti Sonnet No. 6

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

Bathroom Graffiti No. 7

(written high upon the wall)

If you can piss above this line,
the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.

Bathroom Graffiti No. 8

(written high upon the wall above a urinal)

Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.

Bathroom Graffiti No. 9

Sign posted in a bathroom:

We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!

Bathroom Graffiti No. 10

Seen above a urinal:

Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!

Bathroom Graffiti No. 11

Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words:

"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."

Bathroom Graffiti No. 12

On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated
throughout the entire performance.

Bathroom Graffiti No. 13

There is no No. 13 - No. 13 is bad luck.

Bathroom Graffiti No. 14

"$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down into the toilet)

Bathroom Graffiti No. 14

A sign I saw at a swimming pool once:
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee
in our pool!

Bathroom Graffiti No. 15

Another sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

Bathroom Graffiti No. 16

My mother made me a whore.
(to which someone else added)
If I give her the yarn, will she make me one too?

Bathroom Graffiti No. 17

Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone scribbled:
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

Bathroom Graffiti No. 18

In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant:
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food
into shit. It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.

Bathroom Graffiti No. 19

Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your
food...please aim properly.

Bathroom Graffiti No. 20

Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.

When it comes, I hope and pray,
That I won't blow my ass away.

Bathroom Graffiti No. 21

Here's one seen above a urinal:

look up look up

[even higher on the wall]

keep looking up

[on the ceiling]

Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!

Bathroom Graffiti No. 22

One of the funniest I've seen was also the simplest:

Fart loud if you love Jesus!

Bathroom Graffiti No. 23

While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:

Congratulations! You've one free game of Toilet Tennis!
Look Left. You look left and it reads:
Look Right. You look right and it reads:
Look Left...

Bathroom Graffiti No. 24

Everybody pisses on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.

Bathroom Graffiti No. 25

(written above a urinal)

Why are you looking up here?
Are you ashamed of it?

Bathroom Graffiti No. 26

Some people come here to take a shit, I come here to leave one.

Bathroom Graffiti No. 27

Don't look now!
You're pissing on your neighbors foot

Bathroom Graffiti No. 28

(Written at different altitudes beside a urinal)

--- Minimum qualification height for entering the fire department
( a foot below that)

--- Line for physically handicapped
(a foot below that)

--- Line for defence personnel and their children
(This one is below the pee pot)

--- Line for SC ST applicants

Bathroom Graffiti No. 29

(above a urinal)

Shake well after use

Bathroom Graffiti No. 30

(above a urinal) your future is in your hands