Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately. A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole." "And the bad news?" Clinton demands. After a slight pause, the director replies, "Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!"

Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes An Entire Village!

President French-Fry was out jogging when a Hooker standing on the corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill repliedwith a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine. Each day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President! Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!" Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to happen. Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times she smiled and waved and yelled out, "Hey Mr. President, See what you get for Five Bucks!"

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader

Top Ten Unusual Comments on Monica Lewinsky's Intern Performance report:

10. This Intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale
9. Tends to blab on the telephone
8. Her "In Box" is always clean and shiny
7. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner
6. Frequently complaining of jaw pain
5. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load
4. Excellent oral dictation, has never missed a period
3. Stays late, comes early
2. Uses too much teeth
1. Truly an eager beaver

Got Cum?

Poor, Poor Mr. Clinton

4 doctors, a Russian, a French, A German and an American, were discussing how great their medical technologies are at a recent medical convention. The Russian proudly said,"Our medical field is so advanced that we can put a liver in a man and have him back to work in 6 weeks!" The French then said, "Ours is so good that we can put a lung in a person and have him back to work in 4 weeks!" The German added, "Ours is the most advanced.. we can put half a heart from a person into another person and have both back looking for work in 2 weeks!" The American then said,"Ours is the best.. we can kick an asshole out from Little Rock, Arkansas and into the White House andmillions will be out looking for work in no time." President Clinton had heard of all the starving people in Somalia, and wanted to get a look for himself. He ordered his aids to prepare Air Force One. On the plane, the president looked down with his binoculars, and said, "My God! Look at them! Skinny.. ..starving.... where are our troops?" Then an aid chimed in,"Errr... Mr. President, that's not Somalia. It's Arkansas."

Over 5000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land!" Nearly 5000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel. This IS the Promised Land!" Now Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.

Bill Clinton steps off of Air Force One carrying a small dog. One of his Secret Service men said, "Nice dog, sir." Bill then said, "Thanks. I got it for Hillary." The Secret Service men replied,"Nice trade, sir."

Consider all the potential candidates for the president election throughout the years in the story of the Wizard of Oz. Bush went to the wizard and said, "People say that I don't have feelings and that I don't have a heart... I want to have a heart." Dan Quayle went to the wizard and said,"People say that I don't have intelligence and common sense... I want to have a brain." Ross Perot went to the wizard and said,"People said that I don't have confidence and that I'm a chicken... I want to have courage." When Bill Clinton walked up to the wizard, the wizard asked, "And what are you here for then?" Bill Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy."

Monica, the Dog...

Starr I Are...

I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see --
Did you grope
The young Miss Lewinsky?

Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there--
I did not do that
Anywhere!

I did not do that
Near or far --
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?

And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-You-Are --
I think that you
Have gone too far.

I will not answer
Any more --
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!

The public's easy
To distract --
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!

Lewinski Limericks

This was a contest. The Contest Requirements consited of the entrant To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in a limerick. (Preferably, a dirty limerick) And the winners were:

Entry # 1

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
T'was Hail to the Chief
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry # 2

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry # 3

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.

President Clinton Dies...

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
President Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
President Clinton: Why is that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
President Clinton: You're a day late.

More Clinton Jokes

Q. What do Monica and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
A. They both blew the big one.

Q. Did you hear what happened to Monica Lewinsky this morning?
A. She coughed up some new evidence.

Q. What do Monica Lewinsky and Ken Starr have in common?
A. They both want Bill Clinton's head.

The Past...

To the blonde he said , "I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars."

To the brunette he posed the same question , and she replied, "One hundred dollars."

"He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr President , if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes.... Get my panties as low as my wages... get that thing of yours as hard as the times... Keep it high as the gas prices... keep me warmer than my apartment... and.. screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."

Q. What was Clinton's last gift to Monica?
A. Spot remover.

Q. What did Hillary Clinton change her name to?
A. Sharon Peters.

Q. What did Clinton say to the new female intern?
A. I haven't come across your face before.

Oh No...

Monica Lewinsky recently went to the dry cleaners in California with a dress that needed to be cleaned. The owner of the cleaners was an elderly Chinese gentleman who was hard of hearing. Monica approaches the owner and says "I need this cleaned."

"Come again?" asked the elderly owner.

Monica, very embarassed, quickly but firmly responds, "No, mustard."

Back to the one-iners...

Q. What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
A. An intern with braces.

Q. How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?
A. You've got French fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you an application.

Q. What do you get when you cross Monica Lewinsky with Ted Kaczynski?
A. A dynamite blow job.

Q. What is the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinski's wardrobe?
A. When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.

Q. What is the difference between Vince Foster, Ron Brown, and Monica Lewinsky?
A. Monica is the only one who took a shot in the head from Bill, and lived to tell about it.

Q. What do O.J. and Clinton have in common?
A. Both are lying bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

Q. What do Monica and O.J. Simpson have in common.
A. Sore knees.

Q. What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?
A. The President after Bush.

Q. What is the name of Monica Lewinsky's new book?
A. "My Taste For Power"

Q. What do you call Clinton's fly?
A. The U.S. Open.

Q. Do you know who Hillary has asked to stay at the White House?
A. Lorena Bobbitt.

Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. Chelsea Clinton.

Q. What did the Chinese Premier say to Clinton as he boarded Air Force One to leave China?
A. Rotsa Ruck on your next Erection.

I've seen this one floating around . . .

Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington D.C.

Dear John,

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.

Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.

Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,

Bill Clinton

P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.

Memories...

And, Looking Further Into the Future...

An Optical Illusion...

Is it Al Gore or Bill Clinton, or is it just Al Gore? Take a look and decide for yourself....