Firstly, let us pray. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

God, grant me the serenity to accept a post I cannot change, courage to walk past the computer without turning it on when I'm running late for work, and the wisdom to know the difference between "come to bed now" meaning "let's have some fun" and "come to bed NOW" meaning "that computer has got to go"!

Don't you find it funny? You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in....

A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial straits. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray ... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob prays again ... "God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes, and Jacob still has no luck!!

One last attempt ... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?!?"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself:

"JACOB, YOU GOTTA MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE THERE GUY - BUT FIRST, BUY A TICKET - OKAY?!?"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday nightbath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"