Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from a rare and deadly disease. As a result I've received poor scores on my final exams and had to drop out of college. Lately, I've had a severe lack of sexual activity and I've developed a fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution. I've also been suffering from severe guilt and other forms of emotional trauma for not sending out one-hundred-and-twenty-six forwards of some message sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them - some poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second- hand smoke from the six packs of cigarettes a day smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on some Internet smut site will get 6 cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email of $1000? How stupid are you? Oooohhh, look here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of crap. So basically, this message is a big PISS OFF to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mails. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and brought to the New World by midget pilgrims with skank rabies on the Mayflower and if it keeps getting sent by the year 2000 - it'll be in the Guinnss Book of World Records for the longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Screw them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" that's been forwarded about 90 times. I don't care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending chain mail. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!

More Chain Letter Crap

I have a game for you. Once you read this letter, you DON'T have to keep it going. This game has been played ON AND OFF since 1276. YOU must send this letter to seven people within 5 days. On the 5th day, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN!!! *EVIL BOOMING LAUGHTER* This is a joke. It has worked for many years. If you break the chain, you will have bad luck with NOTHING forever. This is just for future readers. This began in 1226, NOWHERE. Not much of a past but it works. So, here are the rules:

• If you read this on a Sunday, wish for SOMETHING.
• If you read this on a Monday, wish for SOMETHING.
• If you read this on a Tuesday, wish for SOMETHING.
• If you read this on a Wednesday, wish for SOMETHING.
• If you read this on a Thursday, wish for anything you want.
• If you wish it on a Friday, wish for SOMETHING.
• If you wish it on a Saturday, wish for SOMETHING.

Send this to seven people after you make a wish. Make sure it is mailed as soon as you read it or your wish WILL come true.

Once Again INTO the Breach...

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know, plus all the stuff from Bath & BodyWorks.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives... So I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Isn't that terrible!?!

So please send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms - if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: You will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse / mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under their arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

So please trust me and just send this on! I know this is all true because I read it all on the Internet ;)