There are three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy. They come across a lamp and a genie pops out, "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes." So the Newfie says "I am a fisher man, my dad's a fisher man, and his dad was a fisher man, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish" 'FOOM' the oceans were full.

The Quebecer was amazed, he said "I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in." 'POOF' there was a wall around Quebec. The Vancouver guy says "Tell me more about this wall." The genie says "Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." So the Vancouver guy says "Fill it up with water."

Top Ten Canada...

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

10. Cannabis.
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash.
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations in one throw.
6. A university with a nude beach.
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown.
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar.
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder.
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and 2 bridges.
1. Weed.

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it.
9. The Americans below you are all anti-government militia groups.
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's.
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
6. Stamps vs. Exkies.
5. Flames vs. Oilers.
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcholic with a grade four education.
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approximately 200 percent.
2. Preston Manning.
1. Big Rock.

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense.
9. People will assume you live on a farm.
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
7. YOUR Roughriders survived.
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbour's house.
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard.
4. Your province is really really easy to draw.
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning.
2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool Hats.
1. You never run out of wheat.

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
9. Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut someone off.
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner, depending on your mood.
7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work.
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government.
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto.
2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg".
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property.

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

10. Mike Harris: Basically a sober Ralph Kline.
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house.
8. Much Music's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a buck.
7. The only province with hard-core American-Style crime.
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistaknly believe it's a cool city.
5. Your granparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition.
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario separatist.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
1. You live in the center of the universe.

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo Bastards".
9. Non-smokers are the outcasts.
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers.
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys.
6. The FLQ.
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English Neighbour will move out next.
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians.
2. Racism is socially acceptable.
1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole.

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television.
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fisherman.
8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you.
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
5. The economy is based on fish, cows and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston.
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours.
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income.
1. You are sandwiched bettween French assholes and drunken celtic fiddlers.

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

10. Even though it smells like dead sea animalls, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city.
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster and fiddle music.
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt.
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money.
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal.
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert.
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass.
3. Everyone is a fiddle player.
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia.
1. The only place in North America to get bombed during the war... by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire.

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter.
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates.
7. You can drive accross the province in 2 minutes.
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promply leave.
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows.
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from.
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea".
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-ass bridge.

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day.
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass.
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar- powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines.
7. The workday is about 2 hours long.
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics.
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products.
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod.
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea.
1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation.

A Test...

Am I a true Canadian? A Quiz to be sure...

1. What country do you live in? (Sometimes this is a strong clue. If not, then please continue this quiz.)

2. Do you see anything wrong with these words?

A. Color
B. Ottowa
C. John Chretchien
D. Keraboo

3. Is a Prime Minister a cut of beef?

A. Yes
B. No

4. Have you eaten a perogy within the last two months?

A. Yes
B. No

5. What is the capital of Canada?

A. Quebec
B. Toronto
C. England
D. Washington

6. Do you feel that there's never enough exciting canoe chases on TV?

A. Yes.
B. No.

7. Do you sometimes wish it would snow beer?

A. Yes.
B. No.

8. Hockey?

A. Yes.
B. No.

So... what do you think?? Are you a Canadian? If you are still unsure, keep on reading where you'll find a few lists that may help you determine whether or not you are a Canadian.....

25 Signs You May Be A Canadian

25. You stand in "line ups" at the movies, not lines.
24. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk."
23. You understand the phrase, "Could you pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine.
22. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
21. You drink pop, not soda.
20. You know what it means to be on "pogey."
19. You know that "a mickey" and "2 4s" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!?!!"
18. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
17. You can drink legally while still a "teen."
16. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
15. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
14. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel that has good cigars.
13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
12. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!!!
11. You get milk in bags as well as cartons, glass jars and plastic jugs.
10. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
9. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
8. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - because Chesterfield is a small town in Quebec.
7. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
6. You have Canadian Tire money.
5. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap."
4. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that." 3. You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
2. You voted for a political leader who admitted to smoking pot.
1. You read rather than scanned this list and looked for spelling and grammatical errors.

Signs that you might be too Canadian for your own good...

22. You play hockey 12 months a year.
21. You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US."
20. You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
19. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic music group.
18. You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold."
17. You wonder why there isn't a $5 dollar coin yet and why we still have pennies (because Australians don't).
16. Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sewn on. 15. Unlike any international assassin / terrorist / spy in the world, you probably don't have a Canadian passport, or if you do, you can't find it.
14. You know the French equivalents of "free," "prize" and "no sugar added," thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
13. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
12. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
11. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
10. You know what a touque is and probably own one.
9. You have some memento of Doug and Bob (McKenzie).
8. You admit that Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.
7. You know Toronto is not a province.
6. You drink Moosehead beer because of the moose.
5. You believe the "Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.
4. You never miss "Coaches Corner." 3. Backbacon is a food group. 2. You laugh afterward at some US citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.
1. You use a tennis ball more for road hockey and dog chasing than tennis.

The Best Way...

To find Canadians when you're abroad....

walk through any airport, bar or other public establishment while abroad and sing or whistle the "Hockey Night in Canada" theme song... without exception, all Canadians within earshot will respond.

You know you're from Canada, when....

29. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
28. You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.
27. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
26. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
25. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
24. Canadian Tire on any Saturday are busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
23. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
22. You've taken your kids treak-or-treating in a blizzard. 21. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
20. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
19. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
18. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
17. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
16. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
14. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
13. You head south to go to your cottage.
12. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
11. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
10. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
9. You find -40C just a little chilly.
8. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
7. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
6. You can play road hockey on skates. 5. You know 4 seasons: Winer, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
4. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
3. You understand the Lebatt Blue commercials.
2. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada."
1. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

Wacky Mulroney Jokes...

On a unity mission in Vancouver, Mulroney and a few cabinet members decided to take the ferry to the island. However, the boat collided with a rock and started to go down. "Man the lifeboats," Clark shouted. "Women and children first." "Fuck the women and children!" Crosbie barked. A glint appeared in the prime minister's eye. "Is there time?"

Mulroney was having dinner with Preston Manning when he brought out a bottle of his finest port. Manning, a teetotaler, was incensed. "This is the ultimate insult," Manning stormed. "Why, I'd rather commit adultery than drink a single glass of port." "Who wouldn't,", Mulroney replied.

The P.M came home after a hard day's work to find Mila stark naked in front of a mirror, fawning over her breasts. "What's going on?" Mulroney asked. "Oh, nothing," she said. "Except I went to the doctor this afternoon and he told me I have the body of an eighteen-year-old." "Oh, really," he remarked, "what did he have to say about your big old ass?" "I don't know,", she told him. "He didn't mention your name at all."

Discovering Mila in bed with a plumber, Mulroney cried out in amazement. "My lord, Mila, what are you doing?" Mila turned to the plumber. "Didn't I tell you he was dumb?"

Mila's parents wanted their daughter and new son-in law's honeymoon to be special. So they decided to bury a tape recorder, hide it under their bed, and give the newly wedded couple a lasting momento of their first night together. They decided to listen to the tape: "That's happiness," they heard their daughter coming. "That's happiness...that's happiness... that's......""Wait a minute," Mila's father said. "The battery's low." He quickly replaced it and they listened again. This time they heard Mila giggling. "That's a penis?", she said.

Canadian Temperature Guide

The temperature conversion guide (degrees are in Fahrenheit)...

• 50 above - New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens.
• 40 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.
• 35 above - Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down.
• 32 above - Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.
• 20 above - Florida's wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on T-shirts.
• 15 above - Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.
• 0 - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
• 10 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flag poles.
• 20 below - Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light jacket.
• 40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos.
• 60 below - Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Canadian Girl Guides begin selling cookie door to door.
• 80 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
• 100 below - Santa Clause abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
• 173 below - Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
• 287 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
• 460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold nuf for ya?"
• 500 below - Hell freezes over. The Vancouver Canucks win the Stanley Cup.