British Language

Sign in a Laundromat: "AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT."

Sign in a London Department Store: "BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS."

In an Office: "WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN."

Outside a Farm: "HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF."

In an Office: "AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD."

On a Church Door: "THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THE DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)"

Outside a Secondhand Shop: "WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?"

Sign Outside a New Town Hall Which was to be Opened by the Prince of Wales: "THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW."

Outside a Photographer's Studio: "OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO."

Seen at the Side of a Sussex Road: "SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS."

Outside a Disco: "SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME."

Sign Warning of Quicksand: "QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL."

Notice Sent To Residents of a Whiltshire Parish: "DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER."

Notice in a Dry Cleaner's Window: "ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF."

Sign on Motorway Garage: "PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH, BUT OUR PETROL IS."

Notice in Health Food Shop Window: "CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS."

Spotted in a Safari Park: "ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR."

Seen During a Conference: "FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR."

Notice in a Field: "THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES."

Message on a Leaflet: "IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS."

Sign on a Repair Shop Door: "WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)"

Sign at Norfolk Farm Gate: "BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT."

Spotted in a Toilet in a London Office Block: "TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."