Assorted Quotes
- "The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it." - Jackie Gleason
- "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." - Red Buttons
- "I have a daughter who goes to S.M.U. She could've gone to U.C.L.A. here in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember." - Sheckly Greene
- "A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done." - Fred Allen
- "A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals." - Ronnie Corbett
- "They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning." - Billie Holliday
- "I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'" - Mike Binder
- "Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it." - Stephen Leacock
- "I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone
- "Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone
- "Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box." - Wil Shriner
- "Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin
- "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneres
- "I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." - Carol Leifer
- "I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead." - Sue Kolinsky
- "The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise." - Roger Simon
- "A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business." - Shelley Berman
- "You have a caugh? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough." - Pearl Williams
- "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel
- "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison
- "If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?" - Calvin Trillin
- "Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face." - Anita Wise
- "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner
- "I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'" - Jay Leno
- "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." - Johnny Carson
- "Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock." - Will Rogers
- "It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline." - George Lindsey
- "Never moon a werewolf." - Mike Binder
- "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." - George Gobel
- (On going to war over religion) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Rich Jeni
- "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."- John Wing
- "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Emo Philips
- "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Rich Jeni
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